


No Better Time Than Now

by Ava_now



Series: Barollins AU [15]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Depression, F/M, Internet porn, Isolation, Loneliness, M/M, Oral Sex (His and Hers), Pandemic - Freeform, Phone Sex, Quarantine, Rough Sex, Vaginal Sex, Wedding Planning, covid hospitalization, extensive touching and foreplay, here have some initial pwp, hopefully some humor, lparenting, painful breakups, shotgun weddings in a pandemic, stepparenting, surprise declarations of attraction, wedding nights, will a pandemic kill their relationship?, will they make it to marriage?, yeah the kids are there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:53:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29028252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: Rafael and Amanda have been engaged for a few months when the pandemic begins to take root in New York City.  Deciding to quarantine together, they get a sudden taste of marital life.  Will it be enough to push them toward the alter or scare them away from it?
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. & Amanda Rollins, Dominick Carisi & the Rollins girls, Lucia Barba & Rafael Barba, Rafael Barba & Billie Rollins, Rafael Barba & Jesse Rollins, Rafael Barba/Amanda Rollins, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: Barollins AU [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1760629
Comments: 21
Kudos: 24





	1. March 13, 2020

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to Barollins Pandemic 2020! 
> 
> This is a work in progress, so expect for tags, characters, and relationships to be added and changed throughout. If there end up being a need for trigger warnings, I'll try to note that in the summary as well as the notes, and of course in the tags.
> 
> Of course, these two start off with a little pwp, because they can. Hopefully the plot builds from there, haha!
> 
> Y'all, it's always so hard to gauge if anyone reads my Barollins fics because my numbers (hits, kudos, comments) are always so low. I just want to give each of you who has kudo'd or commented in the past a shout out. It's because of you that I keep writing these for the most part. I don't know that I would feel as compelled to write them if I didn't know you were reading them. So thank you! Consider this fic dedicated to YOU. (Shit, now I have to make it good for you!!!)

“So you’ll be there in the next hour?” he asked, locking up his office.

He heard her sigh, and he knew she was frustrated too. It’d been a shitty week all the way around, between cases and COVID-19 beginning to hit the city. “Yes. Trust me, as soon as Sienna is here, I’m headed your way. See you soon.”

She hung up--he tried not to add the thought,  _ on me _ \--and he did the same, then shoved his phone in his pocket. They hadn’t seen each other in over a week. She’d been working a couple big cases that had required overtime and a lot of work with Carisi. On more than one occasion this week, he’d texted her, only to find out she was at dinner with Carisi, prepping for trial with Carisi, going over evidence with Carisi, having a beer...with Carisi.

Rafael didn’t consider himself to be a jealous man in most instances. He tended to have a habit of refusing to engage. The first time he’d been jealous over a love interest, he had backed off and let the other guy take the prize--and Alejandro and Yelina were kind enough to invite him to their wedding. More recently, he’d let jealousy take control after he realized just a wee bit too late that Olivia was involved with Ed Tucker, and instead of confronting her with his feelings, he’d tattled to 1PP about her “inappropriate relationship”. He still regretted that reaction. Despite the fact that Liv had forgiven him and they had moved on, it had burned a scar into the fabric of their friendship, and they would never be able to erase it. He’d hoped he would do better now. With Amanda, he’d willingly accepted her close friendship with Sonny, including the fact that she had slept with the man at least once before. They’d never talked about it. She knew that he and Carisi had once been involved, a very short affair several years prior, and she didn’t seem threatened in the slightest. So Rafael had refused to let his more primal instincts kick in, and pretended it was no big deal that his fiancee was spending all of her time with a man they both had once fucked.

By the time he got to the apartment, he figured it was likely that Amanda was already there. He hoped that tonight they could just enjoy some time together. He’d truly missed her over the last week; he’d missed her humor, her sexy laugh, the gentle warmth he felt in his belly after hearing her talk late at night. And her body, soft and supple under his. Open to him, welcoming, wrapped around him, moaning in his ear. Hopefully, there’d be time for that, too.

He closed the door behind him, locking it, then toeing off his shoes and hanging his jacket on the coat rack. Amanda’s jacket was hanging there, and he smiled to himself. “Mandy?” he called loudly, and grinned when he heard in response, “Back here.”

His cock was already heavy by the time he got to the bedroom. She was lying on his bed, completely nude, one hand over her head and the other between her legs. “Hey,” she murmured, raising an eyebrow to him. “It’s been a long week, and I’m not even interested in pretending to be coy with you.”

“I see that.” He took a couple steps closer to the bed. “So what do you want from me?”

She laughed, low and sexy, and he matched her. “You know what I want from you. A good, quick, strong, rough fuck...I’m so fucking horny right now it’s unreal. Please?”

He chuckled, pulling his henley over his head and tossing it into the chair nearby, then quickly removing his pants, underwear, and socks. He was already erect, cock bobbing in front of him, and she moaned, reaching for it. “Bring that here...I’ve missed him…” Kissing the tip of his cock, then licking him, she added, “You, I mean. I’ve missed you.”

He eased her back, head toward the pillows, and lay next to her. Impulsively, he leaned over and took her mouth with his, assertive and hungry, and one hand greedily ran over her flesh, grabbing handfuls and squeezing when he felt the urge. “Feels good,” he gasped as he heard her moan again, and two of his fingers slipped inside her.

She was wet, slippery with want, and his tongue dove deep into her mouth again. He thrust his fingers steadily back and forth, never quite fast or hard enough to satisfy, until her hips were quickly leaving the bed trying to follow. He pulled his fingers from her and ended their kiss. Slipping the fingers inside of his mouth, he sucked for a moment, enjoying the essence of her. HIs eyes closed involuntarily and he felt his dick twitch. She bit his ear then and whispered, “Just fuck me now, Rafael. God...stop teasing!”

He grinned at that. “You want lube?” he asked, knowing she didn’t need it, and she sighed loudly and rolled her eyes. He started to laugh. “Okay, okay...so demanding, Amanda…” Lining his body up, he carefully slid inside of her until she moaned; he pulled back slightly, then thrust completely in, and then they both moaned in pleasure.

His hips began a natural rhythm and she joined him; a moment later his mouth was on hers again. It was the best moment of a terrible week full of frustration and worry. Everything left his mind, he allowed all of his concerns to drift away and he focused only on the deep, enticing pleasure she gave him. She was soft and wet and tight around his cock, and he messily pulled away from her mouth and licked down to a nipple. Taking it between his lips, he sucked noisily and thrust more quickly inside of her. There was no tease this time, no thought to slow or drag it out. Only pleasure mattered, its intense white hot sear shooting through his body.

She bit his neck and he cried out, letting go of her breast but thrusting fully inside of her as she sucked over the wound. He loved her. She made him feel complete and capable and competent. He felt as though he could do no wrong with her, and he continued to fuck her fully and deeply, hearing her moaning for more.

“Manda...fuck yes,” he panted, and her hands had moved to his ass. Her legs were spread wide for him and she squeezed handfuls of his ass tightly, almost as though she were trying to keep him there, to drive him deeper. He suddenly pulled up to rearrange them, pulling one of her legs up and over his shoulder. “Gonna fuck you so deep now,” he gasped, sweat dripping from his forehead onto her belly. “Gonna make you come so hard.”

He immediately drove back into her and she arched and moaned loudly. Leaning forward, he caught the headboard with a hand for balance, and he vaguely realized she’d brought one hand down to her clit and was rubbing mercilessly. “Fuck yes…” he groaned again, knowing he was ridiculously close but determined to hold out until she came. “Come, baby. Come on. Rub that clit, honey...fuck, you’re gorgeous…”

He felt her walls gripping him tightly and he forced his eyes open so he could watch his favorite bit of erotica, the expressions crossing her face as she came. Her eyes were closed throughout but she was beautiful, the sexiest, most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. He’d made her climax like this. He’d made her feel this way, brought her to this climax, made her come this hard. She was arched and frozen, erect nipples pointing straight up in the air, vaginal muscles tightly seized around him, and he pulled back and thrust erratically a handful more times. Then his own body joined hers, arching and climaxing as he came deeply inside her.

He let himself collapse onto her softness, beginning to kiss and lick the flesh near his tongue, even though he was still half unaware. She tasted of salt and sex and something beautifully feminine, and he wished he’d never have to move at all.

Eventually, he moved off of her, his cock slipping out easily, and he collapsed onto the mattress next to her. She didn’t speak, just rolled over to face him, then wrapped her arms carefully around him and pulled him to her tightly.

Her hair smelled like flowers and he pressed a gentle kiss to her temple. “I love you, sweetheart,” he whispered into her ear. “Mi amor...eres todo para mi.” (My love, you are everything to me). 

“I love you too, Rafael,” she murmured into his ear, body against his. Then she added, so quietly he almost missed it, “So much it hurts sometimes.”

He didn’t speak, didn’t pull back and acknowledge what she’d said. But he did tighten his arms around her and kiss her temple again. He knew what she meant, and he knew she’d appreciate not talking about it.

And she did.

***

“Have you seen this?” she asked him as he returned with two mugs of coffee.

“Be careful with that,” he told her, nodding toward her breasts, “those are too pretty to burn...what’s this about?” He motioned toward the television. The governor was speaking, and it looked to be about a virus pandemic taking hold in the city.

“They’re saying schools will be closed as of Tuesday until further notice--I’ve got to get up with Sienna and see if she minds watching Jesse along with Billie--”

“Is that even a possibility?” Rafael asked. “All I know is that beginning Tuesday, the university campus is closed until further notice as well. They’re really concerned about this. People are going to need to stay home and quarantine,” he added. “That would mean Sienna would have to live with you, and who knows how long it will last.” 

They grew quiet, sipping their coffee and sitting together in his bed. As they listened to Governor Cuomo outline a potentially terrifying scenario, Amanda felt Rafael’s hand gently stroking her skin. His touch calmed her, and she softly sighed.

“You and the girls need to quarantine here...or me at your place, unless we both plan not to see each other for the foreseeable future,” Rafael said suddenly. “My place is bigger but you have all of the girls’ things…”

“I know it’s a lot for you, but it’s probably better for them if we hole up at my place,” she told him. “I’d hate to think of everything we’d have to bring here to settle them in for two weeks or more. And they’re still so little...it’d be a big change for them.”

“You’re right,” he told her, stroking her hip. “Much easier for me to pack a bag and stay with you...unless you don’t want me to.” Grinning, he added, “I realize I just invited myself to quarantine with you.”

She laughed. “You bring the lube and the alcohol, and I’ll provide the snacks! It’ll be a party!” Leaning over, she kissed him gently. “Of course I want you to quarantine with us. You know what’s at my house. Pack accordingly. We’ll just have to do the best we can with the space.”

He smiled. “I’m used to being at your place with the girls and Frannie. We’ll be fine.”

Amanda bit her lip. True, Rafael was usually over several times a week, but he’d never  _ lived  _ there. It was a two bedroom, two bath apartment, with two little girls and a dog. The entire apartment was roughly 900 square feet. Rafael lived alone in a three bed, two and a half bath condo that was easily close to 1400 square feet. She wasn’t sure if he had actually thought about the logistics. “If you say so,” she told him. “Besides, if we survive this, marriage should be a breeze.”

Rafael snorted. “I do say so,” he teased. “It’ll be an adventure.”

She certainly hoped so.


	2. March 17, 2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael sighed, realizing that suddenly his office at school sounded heavenly. “Jesse, I’m sorry you’re sad, but you need to go get your clothes on. Right now. Understand?”
> 
> She whipped her hair around, spreading water droplets all over him. “You are NOT the funnest Wafi anymore!” she told him, and marched out of the bathroom.
> 
> Drying off Billie’s head, he muttered, “I think I can live with that.” Billie’s face appeared from under the towel and she smiled at him. “Come on, Billie bear. Let’s get your diaper on.”
> 
> *****
> 
> Rafael's about to get a hard lesson in the difference between being a buddy and being a parent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi and thanks for reading!
> 
> An important note here--Rafael has been around the Rollins girls for quite awhile, but he's always been more of a "fun uncle". If you haven't read any of the other fics, he's done things like take Jesse to see The Lion King, and take Billie to her swim lessons. He's watched them on occasion when needed, but generally is just a fun guy hanging around with their mom. His experience in parenting is fairly nonexistent.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

“I don’t weally want oatmeal, Wafi-Taffy,” Jesse told him, looking disappointedly at her breakfast. “It doesn’t wook very good to me.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way today,” he told her, helping Billie with her bowl. “But oatmeal is for breakfast. See, I’m eating mine too!”

She looked skeptically at him. “You weally gonna eat that?” she asked. “I know! I could make us some peanut butter bananas! They got peanut butter and banana and...and...and then you eat them! They’re very yummy.”

“That sounds interesting. You’ll have to show me sometime. But today, we’re having oatmeal.” He grinned at Billie, who was giggling and patting the top of her high chair. “Here you go, Billie bear!” he teased, giving her a spoonful of the warm cereal.

“I do not think I wike your breakfast so much, Wafi. My momma gives me yummy breakfast wike pantakes,” Jesse told him, poking at the bowl.

“S’okay, Jess. You don’t have to eat it,” he replied, taking another bite of his own. To be truthful, he rarely made oatmeal. It wasn’t exactly his favorite food either, but Amanda had it in her cabinet and it was cold outside, so he thought since it fit the weather and they had the time, why not? “If you’re all done you can go get dressed. Billie’s almost done too...aren’t you, silly girl?” The toddler giggled again, showing a mouthful of oatmeal.

“But I’m hungry…” Jesse whined, continuing to stir. 

Rafael finished his own bowl. “If you’re hungry, you might want to eat some because snack isn’t for awhile. But if you don’t want it, then don’t eat it and I’ll throw it out. It’s up to you.” 

“Oh-meal,” Billie said, pointing at Jesse’s bowl. “Oh-meal.”

Jesse made a face and took a small bite. “Bleah. This is gwoss.”

Rafael forced a smile on his face. “Okay, why don’t you go get dressed then?”

“Otay, fine...but I’m gonna be hungry water...I hope you’re happy when my belly’s growlin’...” She climbed out of her chair and pushed it to the table, then skipped to her room.

“I love growling bellies,” he told Billie as he took her out of her high chair.

“Down, Wafi...Billie down,” she said, then giggled before toddling into the living room.

He’d just moved in two days ago, and was still making lists of things he needed to carry over to Rollins’ apartment. They were hearing rumors that the city would be closing down shortly, and they were trying to plan appropriately. With Amanda being an essential worker, she was already anticipating an increase in her hours. Rafael, however, was going to be off for the foreseeable future, just like Jesse, whose preschool classes were cancelled. It made no sense for Sienna, Amanda’s babysitter, to continue to try to babysit with Rafael there. He’d volunteered as they were sorting out their schedules. He loved spending time with the girls; plus, he figured, it would give him more time to work on his “dad skills” before they got married. He was hoping that by the time they made it official, being a stepfather would already feel natural.

He already knew how the evenings ran. He was usually over in the evenings, eating dinner with the family and helping Amanda with the girls’ bedtime routine. He played with the girls, helped tidy up the kitchen, and read stories after bathtime. He’d never really been the one in charge, but honestly, how different could it be? 

Rafael followed Billie as she toddled down the hall. “Are we gonna play?” he asked, and Billie bent down and picked up a baby doll that was on the floor.

“Bay-bee,” she said, holding the baby out to him. “Sing bay-bee!”

“You want me to sing to the baby?” he asked, and she nodded, plopping down next to him in the hallway. So he began to sing a song about a caterpillar, and when he finished, she clapped happily and laughed. “More, Wafi! More!”

He was ready to launch into Old MacDonald when he suddenly became aware of some humming coming from the direction of the master bedroom. Given that Billie was sitting next to him in the hallway, he was fairly certain who the musical prodigy was. He got up and held a finger to his lips, which Billie copied, and then quietly entered the master.

He didn’t see her at first--she was hidden by the placement of the door. But then he took a couple more steps inside, and immediately bit his lip to keep from laughing.

Jesse was sitting on the counter next to the sink, wearing only her princess panties and a pair of cowboy boots. She had a king-size candy bar in her hands, half of it already eaten, and smears of chocolate were on her belly and her face, as well as her hands. She was happily humming to herself, the tune to the caterpillar song he’d just been singing. After a moment, she casually turned her head, and when she saw him, she jumped and yelled, “Whoa!”

“What are you doing in here?” he asked, the answer obvious, as he held back a snort.

“Whew, it’s you, Wafi!” she gasped. “You scareded me!”

“Mmhmm,” he hummed, crossing his arms. “And why are you in here, eating your mom’s candy?” He’d recognized the bar as one Amanda kept stashed from the girls, for times when she needed a treat away from them. He’d have to let her know that her stashing hideout had been compromised.

“Well,” Jesse began,”I was just gettin’ dressed, wike you said! But I had to go potty, so I comed in here, and I went, but then my tummy started grumblin’. I wemembered my momma got a tandy bar, so I taked it and eated it. My wittle tummy was just wumblin so much, I had to put somethin’ in there, and now it’s happy! See, wisten! No more grumble!”

“Ah, yes, no more grumble now,” he repeated, ignoring the fact that he’d just told her oatmeal or nothing. He reached past her and turned on the shower. “What do you say we save the rest of that for later and hop in the shower now?” At her hesitation, he added a “Hmm?”, and she dropped the rest of the chocolate into his hand and slowly climbed into the shower. “Just get the chocolate off, okay?” he requested, handing her a washcloth, and she immediately grabbed Amanda’s perfumed body wash, pouring half the bottle into the cloth. “Whoa, Jess! Not so much next time…” he directed, taking the bottle from her hand. It was one of the Christmas gifts he’d purchased for Amanda. Granted, it was part of a gift set, but it had cost him a pretty penny, and Amanda had been so pleased when she’d opened it. “I never buy things like this for myself,” she’d admitted, face flush with pleasure, and he’d been proud that he’d given her something so special. He tried to ignore the fact that half the bottle was now pouring down Jesse’s little arm. Rafael carefully put it up, out of her reach, and Jesse began to wash.

“Mmm, this smells SO GOOD! This is Momma’s special soap! I’m gonna smell wike a movie star with this stuff!”

“Baf, Wafi!” he heard behind him. Turning around, he encountered a naked toddler pointing at the tub. “Baf! Billie take baf!” The little girl toddled back and forth, one foot to the other, clearly excited at the idea of taking a bath. 

Rafael tried to forget he’d just changed and dressed her right before breakfast. “Okay, honey, you want to get in too?” He helped Billie into the tub and she stood under the water, giggling.

“Here, Billie! You have some soap too! You can be a movie star too!” Jesse rubbed some of the suds onto her little sister. “You want some, Wafi? Wanna get in wif us and be a movie star?”

“I think I’ll pass, thanks,” he said. “Let’s rinse off and get everyone dressed, all right?”

“No, not yet! I’m still gettin’ clean! Pwease?” Jesse argued, but Rafael was already pulling the shower head down to rinse them off. “Noooo! I’m not weady yet, Wafi! I want the bubbles!”

“Bye-bye, bubbles,” Billie said as Jesse whined. “Bye-bye.”

Rafael hung the shower head back up and turned off the water, then helped each girl out from the tub. “Here, Jess,” he said, handing her a towel, “go ahead and dry off. I’m gonna help your sister.” He wrapped a second towel around Billie. 

Jesse hung her head melodramatically. “I’m so sad! I need my bubbles!” she whined. “I was bein’ a movie star, Wafi! I’m so sad now!”

Rafael sighed, realizing that suddenly his office at school sounded heavenly. “Jesse, I’m sorry you’re sad, but you need to go get your clothes on. Right now. Understand?”

She whipped her hair around, spreading water droplets all over him. “You are NOT the funnest Wafi anymore!” she told him, and marched out of the bathroom.

Drying off Billie’s head, he muttered, “I think I can live with that.” Billie’s face appeared from under the towel and she smiled at him. “Come on, Billie bear. Let’s get your diaper on.”

She followed him into the bedroom where he collected the clean clothes and discarded diaper. Tossing the diaper in the trash, he grabbed a new one, scooped her up and carefully dropped her on the bed. She burst into giggles. “Wafi Taffy,” she said, and he chuckled, then got her redressed.

***

They had soup and grilled cheese for lunch and a nap afterward, which reinforced his new reputation as “NOT the funnest Wafi”. 

“But I’m not TIRED,” she explained frustratedly to him. He did not understand how this could be, considering he was exhausted.

“Jesse, the rule is you’re supposed to take a nap after lunch. If Momma was here, would she say take a nap?”

She crossed her arms, standing at the edge of the bed. “Yes.”

“And what about Sienna, when she’s here? Aren’t you supposed to take a nap then?”

She shuffled her foot. “Yeah. But Wafi...you’re not a momma or a Sienna! You’re not even a daddy! You’re a Wafi! We’re s’posed to play and have fun!”

He sighed. “What if I lay down with you? We can both take a nap.” There was a sudden, loud snore from across the room, and he realized Billie was already asleep. God, he loved Billie.

Jesse held up one finger. “I have an idea, Wafi. What if we way on the couch and turn on the TV and we tan take our naps in front of Paw Patrol?”

“Uh, no. You can watch Paw Patrol AFTER your nap. You don’t even have to sleep, Jess...you just have to rest, remember? You can read books if you want…” Her arms were crossed again and she was frowning. “Do you want me to lay down with you and read you a book?”

“No I do not, Wafi-EL. I’ll just do it myself!” He watched her climb onto the bed and throw her little body into position. “Happy now?”

“Thrilled,” he told her. “Have a good nap.” He exited her room, heading toward the couch. She might not be ready for a nap, but he certainly was.

***

Amanda got home around eight, just before Jesse was supposed to go to bed.

“Momma!” she cried, as though they’d been separated for years. She threw her arms around her mother, and Rafael fought desperately to keep his eyes from rolling. “Oh, my sweet, precious Momma! I have missed you so much all day wong!”

Amanda looked at Rafael and mouthed,  _ what’s this about? _

He shrugged, just as Jesse said, “Momma! You need to send Wafi-EL home! WIGHT NOW!”

“Really?” Amanda asked. “Why is that?”

“Betause...betause he is a TERRIBLE babysitter, Momma! He is not fun wike...wike Wion King! He is MEAN! He made us eat some oatmeal and taked away my movie star bubbles and gived us yucky soup for wunch. He burned my cheese sandwich and wouldn’t wet me watch Paw Patrol when I got tired. And he wouldn’t wet me wear my pwincess panties…” Her eyes filled with tears. “He wet Billie wear HER pwincess diapers! He wikes Billie and not me!”

Rafael was shocked at her final statement. “Jesse!” he said, surprised. “I love both of you girls! You know that!”

“I missed you, Momma,” she whimpered, and Amanda picked her up to hold her. Turning toward Rafael, she winked, then disappeared into the back of the apartment.

Surely she couldn’t believe he picked on Jesse all day. He couldn’t believe Jesse even said that! Jesse HAD to know how much he enjoyed being around her, how much he loved both her and Billie. Burning her sandwich was an accident. And the only reason he told her she couldn’t put her princess panties BACK on was because she’d already worn them! Could Jesse really think he didn’t like her, or that he preferred her sister?

“Hey,” she greeted him when she returned, sinking into the couch next to him. She leaned over and kissed him, long and gentle, and he knew then that at least she didn’t blame him. When she ended the kiss, she smiled, looking into his eyes. “You okay? You look upset.”

“You heard her,” Rafael said, an edge to his voice. “She hates me! She thinks I don’t like her anymore.” He exhaled heavily and let her guide him to her shoulder. “It was a long day.”

He felt her chuckling under him. “I should have warned you,” she said. “I guess I just figured you’d already know. Of course today would be a rough day--it’s the first day you’re not her best buddy. How much did she put you through?”

Her breasts were soft under his cheek, and he let himself feel comforted by her softness. “A lot,” he whined, despite himself. “She was mean to me.”

Amanda stroked his hair, still chuckling. “Well, you didn’t give up and you didn’t cry, so I’m proud of you.” He pulled away, looking offended, and she shrugged at him. “What? She’s made grown men cry before!” He leaned back against her, and she added, “She is my daughter.”

“Are you gonna send me home?” he asked. “Return the ring, call it off?”

Slipping a hand over his hip and stroking, she told him, “Not a chance. You even did the dishes. I think that deserves a reward.” She leaned in and kissed him again, this time her tongue tasting his and their limbs beginning to tangle. “Ready for bed, Barba?”

“You bet.” He smiled at her, following her lead back to the bedroom.


	3. March 18, 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Of course you can help, as soon as you’re dressed. Go ahead and get dressed and I’ll get Billie dressed, and then we’ll make waffles!”
> 
> “Tay!” Giggling, Jesse took off down the hall, then turned around and ran back to him. “Hey Wafi?”
> 
> “What is it, sweetie?” he asked, turning to face her.
> 
> “I just wove you, Wafi-Taffy!” she giggled, throwing her little arms around his hips and hugging him. Smiling, he squeezed her back, then she took off again toward her room. “Billie-baby! Wafi’s gonna get you dressed now!” he heard, and felt a warmth in his chest. Ah, love.
> 
> *****
> 
> When day two goes better, Rafael feels a renewed devotion to parenthood and a tries not to focus on his worries of not fitting in to his new family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Notes for this chapter--Amanda gives Rafael a book to read. It's called "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk", by Faber and Mazlish. There's two different versions of this book, depending on the age of your child. There's also a classroom version (the original was for parents). I used to teach a parenting class and this was one of the books I used. It's a super easy read, and it's also super practical and fantastically helpful. I believe so much in this book that my daughter got a copy for Christmas (her baby is not quite two). This is a guide to authoritative parenting, which is the kind of parenting most recommended by experts. Giving children choices when appropriate, setting appropriate limits and the right kinds of consequences, and learning how to appropriately listen are key in this approach. This helps kids learn to make responsible choices, learn to be respectful of themselves and others, and be the responsible citizens we all want them to be. At any rate, if you're looking for something to read about parenting, this is a good one.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

“You’re still here.” Jesse’s arms crossed in front of her, glaring at Rafael. “I telled Momma to send you home, Wafi-EL!”

Thank God he’d had a good night’s sleep and some wonderful adult attention. He felt much more able to face the reality of the day now. “Good morning, honey. I know you wanted me to go home, but I need to be here right now to watch you and Billie.” He knelt down to her level, glad he was in his comfortable jeans and a tee shirt. “I know you don’t like oatmeal, so what are you thinking would be a good breakfast this morning? We could have cereal or waffles, Momma said.” 

After Amanda had gotten home last night and she’d put Jesse to bed, she and Rafael and gone to her room and had sex. He knew he sounded selfish, but he needed the attention, and even moreso, he needed the encouragement and validation that she loved and trusted him. She’d dedicated herself to his pleasure and he’d known it; afterward, he’d held her and thanked her for being there for him. He felt kind of stupid that he’d let a day with a preschooler get him so upset, but she didn’t seem to feel he was overreacting at all. “Caring for children is so much harder than people give it credit for,” she’d told him. “You’re with unreasonable people with half the normal vocabulary and notable impulse issues. Of course it’s hard. I’m just so thankful you didn’t walk out on US,” she told him, gently stroking his side. “And it’s not like you’ve had nine months of pregnancy to prep for this, either. I think you did extremely well. Now tell me how I can help for tomorrow?”

So they’d talked about different choices for meals, about ideas for activities the girls could do, about setting limits and boundaries. And she’d given him a book. “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk?” he asked as he read the title. “Do I want them to talk more? Is that really the problem we’re having?”

She’d smiled, then kissed his collarbone. “It’s also about how to set appropriate limits and little tips and tricks that help kids listen and follow directions. I do think those are relevant, aren’t they?” 

“I tan have waffles?” Jesse asked now, eyes lighting up, and he suddenly realized he’d hit gold.

“Yes, of course! Would you like that? Maybe with some fruit?”

“Otay, sure! Tan I help make ‘em? I’m weally good at tookin, you know!” Jesse was nearly hopping up and down with excitement, and he chuckled.

“Of course you can help, as soon as you’re dressed. Go ahead and get dressed and I’ll get Billie dressed, and then we’ll make waffles!”

“Tay!” Giggling, Jesse took off down the hall, then turned around and ran back to him. “Hey Wafi?”

“What is it, sweetie?” he asked, turning to face her.

“I just wove you, Wafi-Taffy!” she giggled, throwing her little arms around his hips and hugging him. Smiling, he squeezed her back, then she took off again toward her room. “Billie-baby! Wafi’s gonna get you dressed now!” he heard, and felt a warmth in his chest. Ah, love.

***

“So do you think Momma would like spaghetti or chicken for dinner tonight?” he asked Jesse, who was coloring at the kitchen table. Billie was doing the same in her high chair.

“Sketti, for sure, Wafi-Taffy! Wight, Billie?” Jesse held one crayon in the air, as though she were a champion.

“Teh-tee!” Billie echoed. “Teh-tee, teh-tee!”

“All right, sounds good.” Their day had been the complete opposite from the day before, and Rafael still wasn’t over the change. He’d come up with a basic schedule for their day and tried to follow it. He made sure to include some of Jesse’s favorites, like coloring and watching Paw Patrol. He planned time for things she would normally do in preschool also, like reading and counting. And there was plenty of time for playing with whatever she wanted. He’d started on the book Amanda had given him, and the ideas made sense. Stuff like offering choices when he could. That’s what he’d tried at dinner. He knew they had the stuff for spaghetti and for arroz con pollo, so he figured he’d let Jesse choose. 

His relationship with Jesse and Billie had made him rethink parenthood completely. Before the last year, he’d almost always been afraid of being more than an occasional buddy to anyone under the age of fifteen. Sure, kids could be cute, like Noah, but what could he offer to a kid? He didn’t know how to talk with them, never mind care for them. Even when he had been young, in college and dating Yelina, he’d never imagined actually taking care of any child he fathered. Yelina wanted children; she wanted lots of them. He had smiled, listening to her daydreams of happy babies bouncing on her knee, then added his own, where he kicked ass in court all day, then came home to an appreciative family. There’d been that hot moment at Harvard when Rita had thought she was pregnant; he could still remember buying the tests and watching her pee on a stick as she loudly proclaimed she would NOT be his baby momma. Fortunately, she’d been right. She hadn’t been pregnant after all, and he’d been incredibly grateful at the time.

He had allowed himself to fantasize about it, just once a few years prior. It was after Liv had gotten custody of Noah, right after she adopted him, in fact. The baby was adorable and Rafael was all thumbs around him; the handful of times Liv had tried to help him engage with Noah, Rafael had frozen up completely, including a memorable moment when he held the baby out as though he were a live grenade. Liv teased him about it, enough that it built a place in his memory. He’d started to have fantasies about the handsome new detective at SVU, and once or twice he allowed himself to fantasize beyond the walls of sex and into thoughts of a life together. He knew Sonny loved kids. What if they chose to adopt? Was that even a possibility at his age, with his lack of experience with kids? For a short time, he had some wonderful daydreams about a blonde husband and a little baby boy. A baby they raised together during the day, playing and laughing and loving, then putting to bed with stories and lullabies at night. And then that blonde husband turned into a major sex fiend who tore up the sheets with Rafael, having the hottest sex he could imagine. Nobody could accuse him of having tame fantasies.

Rafael didn’t share that those had once been his fantasies. He hadn’t told anyone, in fact, that he’d ever had fantasies involving fatherhood, or marriage, or family. It seemed too vulnerable, too close to the surface of a truth that he could easily lose. In fact, even now, twice a day he visually checked Amanda’s hand for a ring. Once, before she left in the morning, and of course, once in the evening, after she got home. It was a reassurance for him, something he needed to know, that in the twelve hours they’d been apart she still hadn’t changed her mind. She still wanted him. He didn’t share his insecurities because he didn’t want them to weigh on her, but they were still there, hidden. He was still worried he’d lose the little family he was becoming a part of.

“You want to set the table, Jess? Momma should be home soon,” he told the little girl, and she nodded, then set about cleaning up her crayons. A few minutes later, Amanda came through the door, greeted by lots of excited squeals and hugs, and a delicious spaghetti dinner was ready shortly thereafter.

***

“Lie back,” he commanded in a whisper. “I’m just getting started with you.”

“Fuck, Rafael.” It came out as a slow, whispered moan, and his mouth morphed into a grin against her inner thigh.

He sucked a red oval into her skin. “You like that, honey?” At her response of another low moan, he licked it, then nipped it gently. 

He loved marking her. In the last several months, it was rare for her not to have some kind of mark on her body from their lovemaking. He loved marking her thighs and breasts, and on rare occasions when she gave permission, her neck. Often, while he fingered her, he’d suck and nip on her hipbone, moving every few moments so that he left a string of marks on her. He knew it was primal, but seeing his marks on her never failed to send a shot of pleasure straight through his body to his cock. Her skin was so light, so beautifully porcelain on her hips, thighs, and breasts, that his marks showed up easily in contrast.

His fingers were gently stroking between her folds, and she had a hand restlessly flexing in his hair. Leaning forward, he licked up to her clit. She was wet, and he felt her shudder as his tongue circled the tiny bundle of nerves. Rolling onto his stomach, he pulled his fingers from her, then used his thumbs to part her while he focused on lapping at her clit. She was moaning softly, stroking his hair, and he closed his eyes. “God, yes,” he heard above him. “So talented with that mouth of yours, aren’t you? You gonna make me come like this, you think, Rafi? With just your mouth?”

Hearing her challenge, he quickly sucked onto her clit, and she arched and cried out. He continued to suck rhythmically, listening to her pant and whimper until she finally gripped his hair and tried desperately to grind against his mouth.

“Gonna come, gonna come….oh God, please…” Her body stiffened against him, arched, and a moment later he felt her wetness covering his mouth and chin. He stopped sucking and slowly continued to lap at her until her hand came down to stop him. “No more...no more, please.”

He moved back, kissing her thighs, then climbing onto his knees and surveying her. She had one arm thrown over her head and the other hand resting on her belly. There was a soft sheen to her skin, and he had a sudden desire to run his tongue over her entire body. Instead, he carefully straddled her hips, then leaned forward and kissed her. “Te amo, hermosa,” he murmured, and she smiled into his kiss.

She reached between them to fondle him, finding his tip wet and leaking onto her stomach. “C’mere, baby.” He slid farther up her body on his knees, until he was closer to her face. She reached out, stroking his erection, then guiding it into her mouth. He leaned forward, bracing his hands on the headboard, and sighed.

She sucked and fondled him, rolling his balls in one hand as the other stroked his shaft. Her tongue ran around and over his slit, then the entire head before sucking him in again. He glanced down at her, watching her working him, and he felt the familiar pleasure beginning to grip him. “Mandy,” he gasped, then came in her mouth.

She swallowed the best she could as he held himself braced on the headboard, shaking. After a moment, he carefully moved off of her, turning and sliding down into the bed. He was exhausted, closing his eyes and feeling his muscles relax from their burn. He felt a kiss on the corner of his mouth, soft and sweet, and he forced his heavy eyelids open and smiled.

“Worn out now, huh?” she murmured. “Your next career should be in men’s gymnastics.”

He laughed at that, and reached to squeeze the hand lying on his belly. “I love you, Amanda. Thank you for loving me so much, so well.”

She smiled again, kissing his sweaty brow. “Sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like if I had banged you five years ago. Or even better, if we had gone home together that first night we met, in Forlini’s.” 

He laughed again. “Oh God. I’d forgotten about that...that was right before the Jocelyn Paley case, wasn’t it? I’d just gotten to Manhattan.”

“Mmhmm. What do you think would’ve happened if we had actually slept together that night?” she asked, and he thought back to that night, years ago, before he’d ever worked with Manhattan SVU. He had been the new ADA from Brooklyn, having a drink at Forlini’s, and she was just a pretty blonde detective he’d bought a beer for. They’d chatted and learned they both would probably run into each other, given their jobs. He’d kissed her there, in the bar, but then reality swooped in and made him think about the fact she was a potential colleague and he was new. And he’d faked an emergency phone call before things went any further. Twelve hours later he was being introduced to Detectives Rollins and Benson by Captain Harris.

He reached over and stroked her hair, remembering the young, pretty detective from seven years ago. “I don’t think we would have ended up here,” he mused. “So I’m happy that it didn’t pan out that night. This is so much better.”

“Agreed.” She snuggled against him, head on his chest. They never slept in this position, but for some reason, it felt right tonight. Listening to her breathing, he easily relaxed, and in short time, they were both asleep.


	4. March 28, 2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I just keep thinking, what’s the point of planning anything right now, in the middle of a worldwide pandemic? You know I heard the other day it could be August before this is over? How are we going to choose venues, choose outfits, choose caterers or cake or anything when we’re not even allowed to leave the house? I can’t even take the girls to the park or go to the damn grocery store right now! I mean, maybe if the whole universe is sending you a signal, you should listen.” She poked at her can.
> 
> Rafael felt sick. “Amanda,” he breathed out, “are you saying you don’t want to marry me?”
> 
> *****
> 
> They're only two weeks into the pandemic, but Amanda is already struggling with the isolation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

“So are we in agreement? Lavender and...sage? Is that what this color is?” Rafael looked up from the table, where he was jotting down wedding notes. Amanda was grabbing a soda with Billie in her arms.

“Sure, that’s great. Whatever you like, I’m flexible.” She made her way back to the table and sat down next to him, putting Billie down and taking a long sip of Coke.

“Rollins.” He put the pen down and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms and looking at her. “If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to. We can always, I don’t know...go down to city hall and exchange vows. I’m not marrying you to have a wedding--I’m marrying you to have a wife.”

“Very clever,” she replied, taking another drink of her soda. “Of course I want a wedding, Rafael. I’ve always wanted one, since I was a little girl. But I don’t have the first clue how to plan one or make it decent. We haven’t talked about a budget, or how big we want it to be...and I have no idea how to go about planning the rest. Cuban food with a southern twist? Lavender, your favorite, with orange, my favorite? Who’s gonna walk me down the aisle...Fin? Who’s gonna be your best man? Liv?” She shook her head. “Neither of us do anything outside of work. Who are we going to invite, Rafael? This whole thing…” She crossed her arms and sat back.

He tilted his head. “This whole thing what?” he asked, and crossed his own arms.

“I just keep thinking, what’s the point of planning anything right now, in the middle of a worldwide pandemic? You know I heard the other day it could be August before this is over? How are we going to choose venues, choose outfits, choose caterers or cake or anything when we’re not even allowed to leave the house? I can’t even take the girls to the park or go to the damn grocery store right now! I mean, maybe if the whole universe is sending you a signal, you should listen.” She poked at her can.

Rafael felt sick. “Amanda,” he breathed out, “are you saying you don’t want to marry me?”

“No,” she said, shaking her head, then a little more firmly, “No. I’m not saying that. I want to marry you. I just think…” He watched her struggle with her thoughts for another minute. “I think if we want a wedding, we should wait to plan it until we have a better idea of what’s up with this pandemic. It would make me sick to think of us spending thousands of dollars for a hundred guests that can’t come because we’re not allowed to be in groups larger than ten, you know? And yes, Rafael, it stresses me out, the thought of planning it. I’m not good at that kind of stuff.”

“Okay,” he said. “We can put it off for awhile. No biggie.” He reached down and petted Frannie’s head, trying not to worry that this was the beginning of the end of them.

“Okay girls, time for bed.” Amanda stood and headed into the front room to turn the TV off. “Let’s go, Jess.”

“I’m not tired, Momma!” Jesse protested. “Just a wittle while more?”

“No, honey. Not tonight. Bedtime for everyone.” She turned to face Rafael. “You too.”

He raised his eyebrows, then followed her, scooping up Billie and heading to the girls’ room.

***

“I’m so fucking sick of this, and it’s only been two weeks!” She pushed down on his chest, hard, with her palms, so he was flat against the bed. “I’m so tired of feeling...dead...inside…” She punctuated each word with a snap of her hips, and he rolled his eyes shut. She might be feeling dead inside, but she was gonna kill him if she kept this up.

“Scoot up so I can hold onto the headboard, okay?” she asked, and he shimmied up the best he could so that he was propped against the pillows. She put an arm on either side of his head, grasping the headboard, so she could ride him better. “Uh! Just...mmm...c’mon, Rafa...fuck...me...harder…” She gasped, trying to bring herself closer to orgasm by using his body, but his movements and speed didn’t match hers. “C’mon Rafa! Please!” She ground faster against him without any luck, then arched backward. “Dammit!”

He didn’t know why he did it, other than general annoyance with her, but he flipped her over so her back was to the bed and he was on top of her, inside of her, and he pinned her down by the wrists. “Enough, Amanda,” he growled. “I’m not your fucking sex toy.”

A look of shock took over her features, followed quickly by a look of realization and lust. Her eyes narrowed and she pulled her feet up, resting them on his ass. He swore she suddenly became twice as wet, and his cock responded by stiffening even more. She purposefully arched her breasts toward him. “I’m sorry, Papi. What are you going to do to me?” He thrust deeply, hard, one time, in response to her  _ papi  _ comment, and she gasped in pleasure. “I know I’m such a bad girl. I know I deserve to be punished…” Watching her face intensely, he tightened a hand around one wrist and thrust once more, hard. He watched her eyes roll and close, her hand flex and relax, felt her tighten around him. “Please,” she whispered to him, “like that. I need it.”

He lowered his head next to her ear. “Color?”

“Green, green.”

He grabbed her other wrist, pinning it to the pillow beside her head, then pulled back and thrust in deep, hard, repeatedly. The headboard tapped against the wall in rhythm, and he watched her hands flex again. “Ah, God,” she gasped, and he shifted slightly, then thrust again.

This time his position allowed him depth and speed, and he fucked her fiercely. Her face flushed and small beads of sweat ran from her hair line. He leaned down and sucked a nipple, scraping it roughly with his teeth before turning back to her. “Color?” he growled at her once again, and despite how his hips stilled, she continued to fuck against him.

“Green, don’t stop. I need you, I need you.” she whispered, but he pulled out and off of her.

“Roll over,” he directed her, slapping her flank. “C’mon. Now. Move.” She was barely on all fours when he positioned himself and slid in again. “Like that, eh? Guess what, baby?” he murmured, leaning over her body, whispering into her ear. “You’re gonna give me what I want, how about that?” He slid a well muscled arm under her, pulling her up so she was on her knees, facing forward, straddling him, and he was on his knees behind her, buried inside her. They’d done this before, and it never failed to bring them both quickly. But this time he pressed his face against hers, guiding her gaze to the mirror in front of them. “Look at you. This is what you want? You want me to fuck you senseless like this, huh?” She groaned, watching, eyes wide, as his hand chased down her belly to her clit. His fingers moved manically over her as he thrust repeatedly, until her arm reached behind her, grabbing onto his hair, and he clapped a hand over her mouth as she came, hard. He followed a second later, pressing his mouth into her shoulder to stifle his groan. He could hear and feel her gasping for breath, and his hands fumbled all over her body before landing on her breasts and kneading them.

“Rafa…” he heard, then felt her body collapse back against his. His hands were still fondling her breasts, and somehow he maneuvered them both to lay down in the bed without having to let go of her tits. He slipped out of her, then kissed her shoulder as he continued to massage her.

“I swear you have a tit fetish,” she murmured a moment later, and he chuckled into her skin.

“I have a fetish for your tits,” he corrected her. “So soft and perfect. So what the fuck was that all about?’

She rolled over to face him. “COVID is driving me bananas,” she told him. “I didn’t mean to objectify you, but God, I needed a good, rough, quick  _ something. _ ”

He let go of her breasts and licked the tip of his index finger, then began to trace the nipple of one breast repeatedly. “Well, did you get what you needed? Was I able to provide that for you?”

“Of course you were,” she told him, watching him work on her body. “What’s going on, Rafael? You’ve been upset ever since I brought up my concerns about the wedding.”

He knew that. He knew he’d been pouty and pissy, and as much as he hated to admit it, there’d been a level of an angry fucking present in the sex they’d just had. “I guess it just caught me off guard to hear you’re not anxious to marry me,” he replied, and immediately felt guilty when he saw the look on her face.

“I didn’t mean it that way,” she said softly. “I thought you understood that, Rafael. I’m sorry.”

He lay next to her in silence for several minutes, watching her with her eyes closed as she struggled not to cry. Finally, he whispered her name. “Amanda.”

She opened her eyes to see him gazing at her. “What, Rafael?”

“I love you.” 

“I love you too,” she whispered, then bit her bottom lip.

“I guess my feelings are a little hurt,” he whispered back. “See, I’d marry you tomorrow if you said so. I’d put on whatever you asked me to, walk my ass down to city hall with Billie on my back and Jesse holding my hand, meet you on your lunch break, and exchange vows and rings. Then I’d walk the girls back here while you went back to work, and I’d make you country fried steak and peach cobbler for dinner, dance with you to Kids Bop or the Lion King, and then make love to you right here in this bed.” He blinked rapidly to chase away the tears in his eyes. “I get that you don’t want that. I know most people wouldn’t want that. Why would anyone want that? But I guess I do. I’m fifty this year, and I thought I found the love of my life, but maybe I’ve pushed things too hard, been too greedy and demanding…”

“No you haven’t,” she whispered back. “I’m scared. COVID scares me. Planning scares me. Having nobody to walk me down the aisle, or be my maid of honor, or make a toast on my behalf scares me.” She reached over and wiped a stray tear from his face, and he did the same to hers, then kissed her cheek. “Rafael Barba, if you walk your ass down to city hall on my lunch break with a kid in your hand and another on your back, the least I can do is marry you.” 

He smiled then. “You would?”

She smiled back, then nodded. “Yeah. For better or for worse, I would.”

“Te amo, hermosa,” he whispered then, kissing her gently.

She smiled warmly. “I love you too, handsome.”


	5. April 12, 2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Easter Sunday, and the Rollins girls are excited about their baskets. Amanda, though, seems a little off, especially when Rafael asks her a question about her current phone bill. Before they can do much more than argue about it, he receives an emergency call from his mother, Lucia. She's alone in her apartment and hasn't been able to stop coughing. She's unsure of her temperature because she lacks a thermometer, but tells her son she can't smell or taste anything, and she's frightened. 
> 
> Rafael and Amanda have some tough choices to make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are appreciated!

**_April 12, 2020_ **

“Wookit, Momma! There’s a bunny in my basket!” Jesse cried, tearing through her easter basket. “Hey, it’s chocolate, I think.”

“I see, baby,” Amanda told her, leaning against Rafael and yawning, then taking a sip of her coffee. 

Billie was waving a stuffed rabbit in the air. “Bunny, Momma! Biwee bunny!”

She’d just started trying to say her name recently, which delighted all of them, and they regularly took turns encouraging her to say it repeatedly. Now Rafael was giving her a confused look, and he animatedly asked her, “Whose bunny is it?”

“Biwee bunny!” she giggled.

“What?” he asked, holding his hands out. “My bunny? Rafi’s bunny?”

“No!” she shouted. “Biwee bunny! Biwee, Wafi! Biwee bunny!” She squeezed the bunny tightly and placed a kiss on its head. “Biwee bunny.”

“Aw,” he cooed, leaning down toward where she sat. “Do you love your bunny, Billie?”

She nodded enthusiastically, then kissed it again. “Biwee bunny, Wafi.”

“Very sweet, girls,” Amanda told them. “Now let’s put up your candy and get dressed, and then you can play for the day, all right?”

“When do we get to go to the park again?” Jesse asked, gathering her candy and putting it in the bag her mother had just handed her.

“I don’t know,” Amanda answered, distracted by Rafael, who was going through a stack of mail she’d left on the coffee table. “That’s all mine, Rafael. Don’t worry about it.”

“I know, I just…” he paused, then held up one bill. “The phone bill is late? Are you tight this month? Al made his payment, didn’t he?”

“I’m fine,”she said, reaching over and taking the bill from him. “But I don’t want to discuss this  _ now. _ ” She shot a glance at Billie, who was still kissing her bunny, and Rafael crossed his arms.

“Okay, but you know if you need anything, I can help you. I’m still getting paid through the pandemic, and I have a decent amount in savings--”

“Which part of not now is causing the problem?” she snapped, and Jesse stood still, looking back and forth between the two adults.

Rafael felt the heat rise to his cheeks. He was hard pressed to think of any time that Amanda had spoken to him so harshly, let alone in front of the kids. “I’m just going to get another cup of coffee,” he said slowly, then headed to the kitchen as Amanda scooped up Billie and took her to her bedroom to get dressed.

He poured a fresh cup, trying to let go of his anger and hurt. He hadn’t deserved that. Of course it wasn’t his mail, but they were about to be married, and it wasn’t like he dug through and opened it. It just fell into his hand, and he happened to see she was a month behind. Hell, they’d talked about him coming to the precinct on Tuesday and going by City Hall to get married at the end of the day, if they were open. Maybe it was something else that was stressing her, something she didn’t want to talk about with the girls around. Yes, that must be it--

“Wafi?” Jesse tugged gently on the belt loop of his jeans. Her eyes were wide and solemn. “You’re not gonna weave, are you? Don’t weave...I’m sorry Momma yelled at you.”

“Oh Jesse,” he said quietly, bending down to pick her up, “no, honey. I’m not leaving. Let’s go get you dressed, okay? You’ve been such a good girl that the Easter Bunny brought you some special things! I’m so lucky to live with such good girls…” He carried her back to the girls’ room, where Amanda was pulling up Billie’s pants, and the toddler was grinning.

“Wafi, Wafi, Wafi!” Billie sang, reaching for him, and when he glanced at Amanda, she was smiling. He put Jesse down.

“All right, Jess...your turn to get dressed! Then, like Momma said, it’ll be time to play!” he announced, reaching for Billie. 

He felt her hand on his back, warm and small. “I love you,” she said quietly. “I’m sorry I was sharp.” He turned toward her and smiled, and she kissed him gently.

“Tissee, Tissee, Tissee!” the toddler squealed, and Jesse giggled. Amanda and Rafael looked at each other, then leaned over and kissed either side of Billie’s face at the same time.

***

“How long, Mami? Are you running a fever, too?”

Rafael’s mother had called, and very quickly he’d left the front room and moved the conversation into the bedroom, closing the door behind him. The first thing she’d said was, “I keep coughing and can’t stop.”

“It just started yesterday. I don’t have a thermometer but I don’t want to leave to go get one,” she told him, then hacked heavily into the phone. “I feel hot and cold...and God I’m so tired. It took me three hours just to call you. And Rafael, there’s something else...something weird I haven’t heard of...I can’t seem to taste anything. I can’t smell anything either. Have you heard if that’s part of this virus?”

He had no idea. “I don’t know. What about Ingrid, though? I thought she was staying with you.” Ingrid was one of his mother’s closest friends, and Lucia had told him they’d been doing quarantine together. That had been the reason he’d so easily decided to stay with Amanda.

“She, uh…” Lucia began, clearly unwilling to say more. She began to hack again, though, and once her hacking settled down, Rafael was still waiting. “She decided to go stay with her daughter.”

“Mami! And you didn’t tell me? I should’ve been there, helping--”

“Oh, pfft! Help how? I can order groceries, cook, and clean just as well without you as with you here…” She coughed again, and he felt positively awful.

“Okay, okay. Let me think what we need to do. I will call you back in a little bit, okay? Don’t go anywhere without letting me know.” He hung up, then looked up to see Amanda standing in the doorway.

“Your mother is sick?” she asked, concerned.

“Yeah...she sounds terrible…a lot of coughing, thinks she’s running a fever.” He looked down at his phone, the lock screen a photo of Jesse and Billie at the playground. It seemed ages ago, but it had only been weeks. “She’s, uh, also saying she’s lost taste and sense of smell. Have you read anything about that? I don’t think I have.”

Amanda sat next to him. “I don’t know what to say to do. She’ll give it to you if you go, but she may need help…”

He sighed heavily. “I can’t come back here for at least fourteen days if I go over there. I won’t run the risk of giving it to you or the girls.” They sat quietly next to one another. “She doesn’t have a thermometer,” he finally said. “I don’t know why I’m telling you that. Random.”

She reached over and turned his face to hers. “If you need to go, then go. Wear a mask, wash your hands, disinfect everything. Stay six feet away from her if you can. I support you in whatever you think you need to do, Rafael.” Her eyes were filling with tears.

“Don’t cry, Mandy, okay?” He wiped the tears from her eyes. “Why are you crying?”

She sniffled for a moment, then wiped her own eyes. “Because, honestly Rafael? You could die.”

He shook his head. “Don’t think like that. I’ll follow all the precautions. I just can’t leave her there alone, sick. She’s my mother, you know?”

Amanda laughed sharply. “Yeah. I know. I get it.” She watched as he stood from the bed and pulled a duffel bag out of the closet. “Rafael...I love you. I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier.” Her voice broke on the last word, and he turned and wrapped his arms around her tightly.

“I love you too. We’re gonna be okay, honey. I promise.”

***

“Mom?” he called out after entering his mother’s apartment. “Mami?”

Her hacking gave her away. Rafael followed the sound to his mother’s bedroom. She was lying in bed, under several blankets, coughing with so much force he not only felt sympathy, he was afraid for her. “Mom,” he said softly, moving to her bedside. “Hold on, let me get you some water.”

Rafael hurried to the kitchen and filled a glass with ice water, then took it back to her. “Mom...Mom…” He nudged her and she opened her eyes, a soft smile curving on her lips. 

“Mijo,” she murmured, then began to hack again. Rafael tried to move out of her way, but knew it was hopeless. Once her coughing subsided, he handed her the glass and she drank. He watched as she nearly downed the glass, and in that moment he knew he’d made the right decision to come. “Thank you,” she whispered, moving restlessly under the blankets.

“Here, let me take your temperature...just lay still.” He slipped the thermometer he’d brought with him under her tongue, and they sat in silence until the buzzer rang. “103,” he read, turning it off and setting it aside. “Have you eaten anything today?”

“Not hungry...just need to rest, mijo…” She began to cough again, turning red and practically curling into herself. 

“More water?” he asked, racking his brain as to what might help with the cough. She nodded as she continued coughing, and he watched her helplessly for a few more seconds before standing and going to get the water.

He filled the glass again and took it back to the bedroom, setting it on the nightstand. Lucia’s eyes were closed and she appeared to be trying to sleep, so he quietly exited the room. He took his suitcase to her spare bedroom so it was out of the way and sat down to call Amanda.

“Hey,” she answered almost immediately. “How is she?”

“Not good,” he answered honestly. “A lot of coughing, and her fever is 103. She’s exhausted, but I don’t know how you couldn’t be with a cough like that. She hasn’t eaten today, she said, so I’m going to try to make her some soup or oatmeal after we finish talking.”

“Rafi,” she said softly, “I’m so sorry. I guess I was kind of hoping it was just a cold. This whole COVID thing is so surreal.” He heard her laugh, and somehow he knew it was born out of fear, because if he was honest, in this moment, he was scared shitless himself.

“I’ve already been exposed, Amanda,” he suddenly said. “She couldn’t help it--she coughed all over me. It was the first thing she did, and I couldn’t move back fast enough. I’m sorry.”

“We both knew that would happen, Rafael,” she told him. “You had no control over that. We were both stupid to even think you could stop it. Hold on, Jesse is here...she wants to talk to you…”

He heard the muffled sound of the phone being passed, then Jesse’s voice came on the line. “Wafi? Are you at your momma’s?”

“Yes, honey. I’m with my momma, Lucia.” Jesse had only met Lucia once, and Rafael doubted she remembered her.

“Is she sick? Do she got the cone virus?” she asked.

Rafael closed his eyes, unsure of what to say. “I think she does, Jesse. So I need to stay here and take care of her for awhile, okay? Do you think you can help Momma out while I’m gone? She might need some help picking up toys and stuff.”

“And wif my sister. Got it, Wafi. I can do it.” She sounded very confident, and it brought a smile to his face. At least one of them wasn’t feeling lost. “And Momma might need some hugs and kisses too, wight? You want me to give her some for you?”

“That would be great, Jess,” he told her, suddenly feeling very overwhelmed. He wiped a tear from his eye. “Listen, sweetie, I need to go help my momma in a minute, so could I say goodbye to Momma first?”

“Okay, Wafi. Will you call us again tomorrow? My heart keeps tellin’ me I miss you alweady.”

“Of course I will, honey. And my heart misses you too. I miss all my girls.”

A second later the phone shuffled and then Amanda was saying, “She’s sniffling….I better go...I love you,” she got out, just as he heard a child’s soft cry in the background, then, “I want Wafi to come home, Momma…”

“I love you too, Mandy. Talk tomorrow.” He carefully turned the phone off, then dug into his bag to find the charger.


	6. April 27, 2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey,” Amanda answered immediately, and her voice was low. He glanced at the clock and for the first time, realized it was after eleven p.m. “Why didn’t you facetime me back?”
> 
> “Sorry, I was busy,” he explained. “What’s up?”
> 
> “Oh...I thought we were going to...I don’t know, talk for a bit tonight.” She sounded unsure, and her voice was still quiet.
> 
> He sighed and closed his eyes, randomly stroking himself. “That’s fine, sweetheart. What did you want to talk about?”
> 
> “Honestly?” she asked, and before he could respond, she pushed out her answer. “I just miss you so much...I miss being held, I miss being kissed, I miss being told I matter...  
> *****  
> Being separated during quarantine is hard. As Rafael is dealing with Lucia's deadly illness, Amanda has been called back to work and has to rely on childcare from the only person she can access who's safe--Sonny Carisi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I'm slowly getting a handle on where I'm wanting to go with this fic. It's taken me a little while. On top of that, I've been really, really sick myself (NOT covid, thank God!). At any rate, I know you've been waiting for another chapter, so please take this smutty little offering and enjoy!
> 
> I do want to say that my timelines of COVID in NYC may be off. I"m trying to research as I go, but it's difficult finding stuff like when the vaccine was first broadly available and stuff like that. I keep getting info on where I can go to get vaccinated. Thanks, but...
> 
> Comments and kudos are truly awesome and I really appreciate everyone who reads, plus the people who comment and/or kudo too...if you're here, I appreciate you very much! Thanks you guys!

**_April 27, 2021_ **

“Please, just tell me how it is...if I can’t be in there with her, tell me what to expect…” Rafael shifted his phone from one ear to the other anxiously.

The nurse on the other end sighed. “Mr. Barba, all I can tell you is that she’s developed pneumonia in her lower left lobe. There’s so much we still don’t know about this illness...I can tell you what we’d normally expect, but with COVID, all the typical rules seem to fly out the window. We’re treating your mother the best that we can. I will absolutely let her know that you called, but she’s on oxygen, so she can’t speak to you.”

“Can you at least let me know when she's off the oxygen, so l can call her then?” He imagined that he sounded like a little boy, scared and insecure, but he didn't care. He felt like a little boy, deep down.

“Yes, I'll make a note on her chart to give you a call if she improves. I'm sorry, but l have to go. We will notify you if there are any changes in her condition. Have a good day.” 

“Dammit,” he muttered, hanging up his phone and tossing it onto the couch next to him. This was the fifth day his mother had been in the ICU and his nerves were shot. Every day the news was worse; more people were dying with no end in sight. Everything was shut down and the streets were nearly silent. 

The last two weeks had been like some kind of surreal nightmare. Rafael had managed to keep his mother home, monitoring her carefully and trying to keep her comfortable. He’d spent over a hundred bucks at the local pharmacy, buying everything from ibuprofen and acetaminophen to blood pressure and oxygen monitors. The goal was to keep her at home. The hospitals were overrun, and if you didn’t have COVID before you went in, you’d be leaving with it. Lucia had been oddly compliant, and he knew by her obedience that she realized how sick she was. 

Their days had taken on a dull routine. Rafael would rise early in the morning, peeking in on his mother before putting on coffee and hopping into the shower. Then he’d dress and text Amanda while preparing a light breakfast and medications for his mother. He’d help her try to eat (usually unsuccessfully) and get her meds down, then he’d go clean up while she slept. Repeat for lunch and dinner. Once in the afternoon and again before bed, he’d give her medicines as needed and check on her, but more often than nod she was asleep or coughing. Every evening after dinner, he’d help her try to wash up. He tried once to help her into the bathtub, but she’d refused. 

“Mom,” he’d snapped irritably, “you’ve got to take a bath. It’s been a week!”

She’d hacked again. “I could give a  _ fuck  _ if it’s been a YEAR, Rafael!” More hacking. “Leave me the fuck  _ alone. _ ”

Her hair was a mix of frizzed and matted on her head. Her skin was pale and clammy, and her eyes were practically glazed over. Her lips were dry and scaly, and he suddenly felt an intense wave of sadness. “Okay, Mami. Lo siento, Mama. Te amo...te amo, Mami.” He wiped a stray tear away, embarrassed that she may have seen it, but then he realized she was already half-asleep. He hadn’t tried again after that, just kept a schedule of wiping her down with washcloths in bed. 

That had been their routine, and it had worked okay, until that day when she began to turn blue. Her lips and fingers had a bluish hue and her skin was turning gray, and he knew instinctively she was having trouble getting enough oxygen. Her breathing was rapid and she was burning up; taking her temperature, he saw it was 103.5, and he tried to keep his own breathing from becoming out of control. As terrified as he was of taking her to the hospital, he was more terrified in that moment that she was dying. He called 911 and the EMTs had come quickly, immediately putting her on oxygen. As he was sliding his shoes on to go with them to the hospital, one of them had looked at him and shaken her head. “Sorry, sir, but you can’t come with us. Nobody's allowed in the hospital other than patients.” He’d tried to tell his mother what was going on as she was being wheeled away, but he doubted she even heard him, much less understood.

After his mother was hospitalized, he kept his eye open for the opportunity to be tested himself. But the need for tests in the city was so great, and the amount of tests available so few, that he didn't know when he’d be able to be tested. And he couldn’t risk going back to Amanda’s house without a test until he’d been quarantined for fourteen days.

He took a seat in front of his laptop at his mother’s kitchen table and turned it on. He’d been on for a handful of minutes when he got a skype invitation from Amanda. He quickly accepted it.

“Hey, honey...how are you today?”

She smiled at him and he recognized the precinct break room in the background. “I’m doing okay,” she told him. “Missing my fiance like crazy, but otherwise okay. How about you?”

He forced a smile. “I’m good. Just getting ready to look at my syllabus for next semester--thought I’d work on that and get it out of the way, so when we finally are allowed to be in the same room, I can enjoy my family instead of having to complete schoolwork. SVU keeping you busy?”

“Such as it is, yeah. I’m sure you saw how the guy we brought in for sexual assault is now suing the Liv, Fin, and the city, saying he was only arrested because he was black. I was there, Rafael, and he wasn’t arrested because of that--”

“Of course not,” he responded immediately. “It’s a ridiculous charge, knowing Liv and Fin, but given the political climate, it’s quite likely he’ll be successful. But that’s why the city has lawyers and funds for this sort of thing. Try not to worry about it too much. Your name wasn’t brought into it, was it?”

“No, no...nothing like that.” She paused, then smiled again. “So, you get a test yet?”

“Nope.” He shook his head. “I can’t find one.”

She nodded. “NYPD gets them. Employees like me who have to go back to work right away, we’re tested every two weeks, and employees who are working from home have the option to test that often too. I guess you can’t take advantage of that, now...if anyone we’ve been in contact with gets it, we’re on automatic quarantine for two weeks, so there’s that. Carisi is working from home and has tested negative, and he offered to stay with the girls while I’m at work.” She grew quiet, and he immediately felt possessive, knowing where this was going. 

“Go ahead, say it,” he said sharply. “Look, Amanda, you’ve got to do what you’ve gotta do. You can’t leave the girls alone while you supervise the city. Where’s he sleeping?”

“On the couch,” she answered quickly. “What, you thought your spot in bed was replaced that soon?”

He snorted. “I'd hope not. I mean, l know l’m probably not the most skilled lover you’ve had, but l’d like to think i brought something to the table.”

She glanced to the side and smiled as though there were someone there, then said, “Look, I‘ll call you tonight after everyone is settled down….maybe nine or ten, okay? Gotta run.”

“Okay--” he started, but she was already gone and the screen was blank. 

So she was back at work, Carisi was playing his role, and he was stuck in quarantine not knowing if his mother would live or die.

He’d had better months, for sure.

^^^

He spent the afternoon making ropa viejos and frijoles, then dug out his mother's cleverly hidden alcohol to make a couple of mojitos as a reward. He didn't know why Lucia continued to hide her alcohol, especially since she lived alone now. His papi had been the one who abused it when he was a child. But for whatever reason, Lucia still kept the few bottles hidden on a high shelf in the laundry room.

He assembled the vodka, lime, mint, sugar, and club soda. As he cooked down the simple syrup, he wondered if Sonny was playing with the girls like he normally did. He wondered if Carisi even had any idea what their routine was now, if he knew that Rafael had worked hard to make the household functional for everyone. The thought caused him to snicker. He doubted Sonny Carisi had realized Rafael could do anything domestic at all. 

Rafael set the syrup aside to cool and put the finishing touches on his dinner before mixing up his cocktail. His mind drifted to the time he’d made mojitos for Carisi, when they’d been new lovers. Rafael had wanted to please Sonny, to share a bit of his Cuban heritage with the younger man. They’d ended up on the couch sipping their drinks and talking about Nonnis and Abuelas before turning their attention to kisses. The kisses began as gentle and chaste between sips of the cocktails, then grew deeper and sexier over time. Eventually he’d taken Sonny’s hand and led him back to the bedroom, and they’d spent the rest of the night exploring each other.

Sonny was an amazing lover for his age, Rafael had thought even back then. Rafael would have happily pursued a relationship with him, despite the potential office quagmire of disclosure. But shortly after receiving his bar license, Sonny began to grow increasingly vocal about his opinions regarding Rafael’s trial strategies. He began to take prosecution decisions personally, and told Rafael on more than one occasion that the prosecutor was screwing up a case because he wasn’t taking Sonny’s advice. Rafael thought that Sonny would eventually back off again and realize they each had separate jobs to do, and Rafael had twenty years of experience to back his choices. 

Sonny backed off, all right. He eventually stopped showing up for planned dinner dates and drinks with the team. Eventually, he even skipped out on invites for sex, and that was when Rafael finally cornered him and asked what was going on. And Sonny had told him they'd moved too fast, and he wasn’t ready for it. He respected Rafael, he’d said, but he didn't love him.

Those words had been devastating to hear.

He’d heard through the grapevine, later, that shortly thereafter Carisi had put the moves on Rollins and she’d shot him down hard, and something inside of Rafael felt insanely good about that. Of course now, years later, he tended to think all three of them had done things due to the stress and the nature of their jobs that they might not have otherwise been likely to do. He could see that his dependence on Carisi back then had to do with his ego, as well as the neverending political pressure in the DA’s office to win, sometimes at ridiculous costs. Despite the fact that he missed the courtroom, there was something to be said for his current job in the classroom, and in seeing his students succeed. He tried not to look back too much.

After dinner, he made himself a final cocktail and headed back to the bedroom. His mother's guest room was small, but he preferred it to hers, especially knowing how sick she’d been and that he hadn’t completely cleaned it out yet. He set his phone on the nightstand and stripped his clothes off down to his boxers, catching a glimpse of himself in the closet’s full length mirror. He stopped and took inventory for a few minutes. He’d turned fifty a few months prior, and while Amanda assured him she found him incredibly sexy, he had to admit he didn't completely believe her. He had a slight bit of a bulging belly, what most people called a “dad bod”, he thought, and snorted at the term. His pecs were slightly larger than they used to be and he hated it when they resembled breasts. Self-consciously, he ran his hands over them, feeling the softness of his skin and a slight layer of fat underneath, and he frowned slightly. The chest hair was now a mix of brown, dark auburn, gray, and silver, and Amanda had teasingly told him he was the definition of “silver fox” in her book, even though the hair on his head was still a salt and pepper gray. She loved his biceps, too, and he smiled as he squeezed one with his opposite hand. He did try to exercise at times, and his arms looked pretty good, if he said so himself.

He slid his hands over his belly again, wishing he could make it disappear, or at least assume the shape he’d had in younger years. Stepping out of his boxers, he took his cock in hand and pumped it a few times, thinking about the last time he’d been with Amanda. He noticed he was far past due for a bit of a manscape trim. Early on, he’d asked Amanda if she had a preference for how he kept himself groomed. He figured she was the one putting her face down there, and if she'd prefer to have his hair trimmed short or even shaved bare, he’d do it gladly. She had looked stunned for a moment, then giggled. “I'm sorry...nobody has ever asked me that before,” she’d replied. “Yes, l guess? Trim the tree?” So he had, and kept it that way since. She’d also kept herself groomed closely, but he didn’t have a preference and had told her so. She had very little body hair anyway, he’d thought, and what she had was just a shade darker than the hair on her head.

Rafael ran his thumb over the tip of his cock and sighed. It felt like he and Amanda had been apart a lot longer than they had. He wasn’t sure if it was the tipsiness from the mojitos, the jealousy toward Carisi, or just seeing Amanda earlier, but he was horny. Wearing only his socks and his eyeglasses, he climbed onto the bed, then turned on his laptop and pulled up his preferred porn site.

Taking his time, he finally settled on a short video with two guys and one girl, and grabbed his lube from the nightstand. He watched for a few minutes before popping open the tube and drizzling a bit onto his fingers. Just as he’d begun to stroke himself, his phone rang.

“Dammt,” he cursed, shutting the laptop and reaching for a tissue. He stood and grabbed the robe he kept on the back of his door, wrapping it around him as he headed to the bathroom. Once he got there, he washed off his hands and grabbed a towel to take back to his room. “It shouldn’t be this hard to jerk off,” he muttered, heading back to the bedroom. Messily, he wiped off his cock, then carefully lay down the towel and sat on it, grabbing his phone. He returned the call.

“Hey,” Amanda answered immediately, and her voice was low. He glanced at the clock and for the first time, realized it was after eleven p.m. “Why didn’t you facetime me back?”

“Sorry, I was busy,” he explained. “What’s up?”

“Oh...I thought we were going to...I don’t know, talk for a bit tonight.” She sounded unsure, and her voice was still quiet.

He sighed and closed his eyes, randomly stroking himself. “That’s fine, sweetheart. What did you want to talk about?”

“Honestly?” she asked, and before he could respond, she pushed out her answer. “I just miss you so much...I miss being held, I miss being kissed, I miss being told I matter...I miss having you inside me, Rafael. God, do I miss you...I keep imagining you here, pinning my wrists over my head and fucking me hard like you do sometimes...no other man has ever understood what I like...what I want, what I need, like you do. Nobody else has ever fucked me so furiously and told me how madly he was in love with me at the same time...nobody has ever made me want him the way I want you…” There was silence for a moment. “I just ache.”

His eyes were wide open now, and his cock was ramrod stiff. He could picture her under him, arching up and moaning softly for more as he thrust deeply inside of her. He’d never had such intense sex with a woman before her. The few female lovers he’d had in the past, he’d always treated gently, been slow and careful. Tender. He’d always assumed that’s what women wanted, and  _ he  _ wanted to please his partner. The first handful of times they’d made love, he’d done the same with Amanda. Then he’d gone to a conference and they’d been apart for a week, and his first kiss on her lips coming home had been like a tornado. He couldn’t get enough of her, nor she him, and they hadn’t made it past the front room of his apartment. She’d been loud and as desperate as he was, if not more, scratching nails down his back as she begged him for more, harder, deeper. He knew he wouldn’t last for long and he didn’t even care--as long as he was buried inside of her, breathing her air, feeling her skin, that was all that had mattered. That was when he’d learned his lover had moments like he did--moments of wanting tender, sweet lovemaking, and moments of hard, passionate, desperately heady fucking.

But he also heard the other words she’d said; words she’d told him repeatedly during their relationship.  _ I love you. You tell me you’re madly in love with me. You tell me I matter. _

“Amanda,” he said hoarsely, “I miss you too, Mandy, so much. Every bit of you. How you taste, how you smell, how you feel, how you sound. I miss kissing your lips and smelling your hair every morning. I miss laughing with you during the day and at night. I miss looking at you and knowing you know exactly what I’m thinking.” They both laughed suddenly, and he heard her breath hitch. “And I miss that too...what you’re doing right now to your body...I wish it were my fingers parting your lips and stroking your clit. God, I miss touching you. The thought of Carisi being where I should be was making me sick--”

“Rafael.” She interrupted him. “I will never have another lover like you. You’re all I want...don’t you know that by now?” She paused, then sighed, and he imagined a burst of pleasure shooting up her spine. “I wish I was there, on my knees, taking you deep in my mouth...I wanna watch your face while I take you down...and I want to roll your balls between my fingers. Do they feel good? Are you touching them for me? Are you leaking yet? God, I miss how you taste…”

“Ah,” he moaned softly, allowing himself to relax into the bed. He cupped his balls, then ran his hand back up to his cock and began to pump quickly up and down. “God I wish you were here...wanna be buried deep inside you, kissing you, loving you, baby…”

“Mmm, love wrapping my legs around you...and when you kiss me and lapse into spanish...do you know how hot that is, when you’re fucking me, murmuring in spanish? So commanding, you make me feel so sexy, like you can’t get enough of me, like I’m your dream woman--” He heard her gasp, and he pumped himself harder, faster, picturing her body pressed against his.

“Eres tan jodidamente hermosa, mi amor…mi corazon duele por ti...no puedo esperar a tocarte de nuevo.(you’re so fucking beautiful, my love...my heart aches for you...I can’t wait to touch you again).” Rafael tried to steady his voice as much as he could, feeling his groin tighten as the words formed. He knew she’d have no idea what he just said to her, so he squeezed the base of his cock, hoping to buy himself some seconds to tell her. “Baby...keep going, keep making my baby feel good...it means I think you’re so fucking beautiful, Mandy...I love you and my heart, it aches for you, Amanda.” Hearing her gasping, her breath catching again, he urged her on. “Don’t stop, honey. Keep going, rub that sweet clit...I can’t wait to suck it between my lips, to taste your wetness...I can’t wait to touch you again, Amanda, to watch you feel good, to bring you to orgasm...come on, sweetheart…” He’d hardly gotten the word out when he heard her whimper, her telltale quiet cry when she climaxed, and he reached for his cock again, jacking full force.

“Are you there?” she whispered a few seconds later. “Did you come yet?”

“Almost...really close...just wanna hear your voice…” He closed his eyes again, picturing her moving over him and mounting him. He’d give anything to be able to teleport her in the moment.

“Ah, God, Rafael...your cock always feels so good inside me...you’re so thick and you massage me just the right way...always wanna make you happy, wanna be so wet and tight for you--”

“Jesus,” he groaned, feeling his orgasm take over as he ejaculated, and warm cum settled on his abdomen and his hand. 

“Wanna be so hot for you, make you feel so good...love watching you come, baby, when I feel you climax inside of me--”

“I’m finished,” he murmured softly. “Thank you, honey. God, thank you. You have no idea how much I needed this with you...from you.”

There was a soft chuckle. “I think it was mutual. I guess I was tired of crying myself to sleep.”

“What?” he asked, suddenly alarmed, but she had gone quiet again, and he recognized her discomfort. “Amanda, seriously...are you okay?”

“Yeah. You know, this pandemic is just so stressful...and to be honest, I miss you terribly. It’s nice that Carisi is here and helping, but he’s not you...he’s not the man I’m going to call my husband.”

Rafael felt his heart melt, and every doubt he’d been having suddenly disappeared. “I love you, Amanda. Call me whenever you need to talk, honey, okay? I’m here for you and I miss you too, every fucking day.”

A few minutes later they hung up, and he went back to the bathroom to clean up again, but this time he had a smile on his face. He’d never been loved like this before, and he’d never loved another person like this either. It screamed of vulnerability and potential trust horror stories, but for once he allowed himself to be proud of the fact he’d chosen to trust and to love. It had taken him a long time to get here, indeed.


	7. May 24, 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been over a month, and Rafael is finally able to return home to his girls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> A couple of notes:  
> Just a reminder, dates in this fic are completely random and not accurate as for the pandemic's effect on closings and openings, etc. in NYC. I could spend my time researching all that, or I could spend it writing this fic, and I opted for writing, 'cause I'm selfish like that. :-)
> 
> In case you haven't noticed, there's a whole lotta sex going on in this AU! I tend to think both of these characters are very sexual people, even if they may have been completely repressed in the past. I would think it would be a very dynamic part of their relationship together, and with a pandemic going on, be prepared for more. Thank God there's two kids already in the house or those two might not ever get dressed.
> 
> I just want to personally thank all of you who have at any point kudo'd or commented on this AU. I honestly believe this was a ship that was planted in canon purposely when Barba arrived. I know this ship often gets lost in the waters of Barson, Barisi, and Rollisi (and even Rolivia!). But Rollins and Barba knew each other as children because they both grew up fighting to survive, and they have a very natural attraction. THANK YOU for taking the time to read and support this writer's Barollins fiction! It means a lot! Now on to better things...

**_May 24, 2020_ **

“I can’t begin to tell you how glad I am you’re here.” Amanda’s arms were tight around his neck, and he pressed a hand to the back of her head, holding her close.

“It only took a month, but at least we know I’m negative as of this morning.” He’d just gotten his results back, and it had taken him less than two hours to pack his things and go home.  _ Home. _ He couldn’t believe that’s what he was calling her dinky little apartment, but he was. She’d even gotten Carisi moved out before he came in, and both girls asleep. They were in bed together, half dressed, and all he cared about was doing exactly what he was doing right now--running his hands up and down her body, touching every inch of soft skin he could. “This pandemic has made me a complete believer in the concept of touch deprivation,” he mused aloud now, then randomly ran his tongue along her neckline. 

She sighed softly and wantonly, and he pulled back slightly to smile at her. “Mmm...what?” she asked, smiling at him with sleepy eyes, and one of her hands lay flat along his pectoral and slowly moved across his chest. “I’m just taking you in again...memorizing you. Do you have any idea how good you smell?” Her hand moved down, over his ribs and belly until he bit back a chuckle. “It’s true,” she whispered, and slowly ran it up his side, flat, to his armpit.

“Gonna try to tell me that smells good too?” he teased, kissing her nose. She pulled her hand back and brought it to her face as he rolled his eyes. She sniffed, then breathed in.

“You don’t know how much I’ve missed you,” she murmured then, pressing her hand back under his arm and massaging with her palm. “You smell musky and sexy, but also clean and fresh, and God, I don’t ever want you to leave again.” Her forehead pressed against his pectoral muscle again as she breathed deep several times, and his open hand stroked her ass cheek randomly as his eyes welled up. 

He was fairly certain that if she had wanted Sonny Carisi, she could have had him. The pandemic had caused most rules to be thrown out the window. Sonny had been there as a provider and a protector while he had been across town, isolated and trying to will his mother to stay alive. The only reason in the world that he was there was because, for some godforsaken reason, she wanted him. 

He caught her hand in his then, intertwining their fingers, and noticed she was wearing her ring. He pulled her hand to his mouth and kissed it. “I want to marry you,” she whispered, watching him closely. “As soon as City Hall is open, I want us to get married. They’re saying June first...what do you think?”

Just the night before he’d convinced himself that he was too tired, too old, too cynical to marry her and she deserved more. Now he buried his nose in the hair behind her ear and breathed deep. “Mandy...Mandy…” he repeated peacefully, his hands stroking over her warm flesh. “June first is perfect.”

She smiled slowly, then kissed him. “I’m going to be a June bride, Rafael. I’m going to be a married woman in a week.”

His smile matched hers, then. “Does that make you happy?”

She giggled softly. “Deliriously so. Does it make you happy?”

He grinned a toothy smile, the whites of his teeth contrasting sharply with his dark scruff. “Blissful.”

She giggled again, and he rolled over, partially on top of her, pinning her to the bed with his knee between hers. “So give me some marital advice...what do I need to do for a happy marriage with you, a lifetime of love and joy?”

“Well,” she began, wrapping her arms around his neck again and fluttering her eyelashes, “tell me you love me…”

“Uh-huh,” he murmured, kissing her jaw.

She squirmed slightly. “And show me you love me...I need those two things, Rafi...seriously, I do.”

He pulled back so he could meet her eyes, and gently stroked her hair away from her face. “I can do that, Amanda,” he said sincerely, cupping her jaw. “I love you completely, I accept you for who you are, and I promise to do my best to show you that love and acceptance every single day.” Leaning down, his lips met hers tenderly. 

When they separated again, she touched his cheek. “You know I’m going to be the best wife and partner that I can possibly be for you, Rafael, right? I know I’ve been a train wreck--”

“We both have,” he interrupted. “But I love you, and you love me, and we’re both all in.”

“Yeah,” she whispered, playing with his hair, “we are.”

He lay next to her then, sliding a hand down her body until it settled between her legs. Gently, he stroked and fondled her pubic hair, and she nuzzled his jaw. His fingers ghosted back and forth over her slit and the tip of her clit, and eventually she sighed in pleasure. “You like that?” he asked her, pecking her lips as he continued.

“Mmhmm. And your scruff. All of it feels like you and reminds me you’re home. I can’t wait until I’m feeling the remnants of your scruffy face on my thighs.”

They both giggled as if she’d said something incredibly naughty, feeling silly and horny and madly in love. “Well baby, I’m here to make all your dreams come true...you know that!” he teased, before pulling himself up on all fours and crawling between her legs. She clapped her hands over her mouth, still giggling, and he nipped her thigh.

“I love you, Amanda,” he whispered. “I love you so much, sweetheart.” He watched as her eyes gazed at his mouth settling on her clitoris, and they rolled back and closed as he began to suck firmly on her nub.

She was wet, warm, familiar, and he felt the blood rush to his cock. “Rafael,” she moaned softly as she stroked his hair, and he lapped at her rhythmically until she started to whine, then tugged at his hair. “C’mere...please…” and he eagerly climbed on top of her, kissing her deeply as she spread her legs to bracket his hips.

“You sure...you ready?” he whispered back to her, and she nodded, then sucked her breath in as he slid fully inside of her. “Ahh...can’t wait to call you my wife,” he breathed into her ear as he stilled for a moment. “Gonna make you come,” he whispered as she wrapped a leg around his waist and began to thrust.

“Shh,” she replied, and a moment later all that existed was the rhythmic thrill of his body driving hers closer and closer. He was loving her fully, and all she could think was how much she’d missed this, missed him. Missed their laughter and his comfort and his belief in her and everything she did, and how he smelled and tasted and the way he said her name. “C’mon, baby,” he murmured, pumping fully, chest slick and glowing. “Come, Mandy...come on…”

He felt her grip him and whimper, burying her face into his shoulder, and a moment later he gave in to his body. He came deeply inside of her, chanting in a whisper, “Love you, love you, love you,” over and over again until he felt her lips brush his, and then he knew she’d heard.

And he was home.

***

“You have a preference in colors?” he asked, holding up a suit in each hand and examining them closely. One was a summer suit, cream colored, and the other was a medium gray with a lavender pinstripe. They’d both agreed not to get anything new to wear for the ceremony at city hall; instead, they’d put their money toward a real wedding and reception once the pandemic was over. And if they decided they didn’t want it, they’d take a lavish honeymoon. 

“No cream,” she told him firmly, “that’s too close to my color family.” She ran her fingers along the lapel of the gray suit, then said, “Don’t you have a black suit? I’ve seen you wear a white dress shirt and a bright red tie with it.”

“Yeah, I do...you like that one better than this one? Is there a reason?” He watched as she put away the underwear she’d been folding, then shrugged.

“Sure. It’s hot. You look incredibly sexy in it.” Seeing that he was still contemplating, she continued. “Okay, it’s very true that you wear a suit like few men can. You can fill it out in all the right places, and...hmm. Ahem...yeah.” She shook her head as though coming back into focus. “Of course no matter what you wear, it’s going to blow me out of the water. But I have a special attachment to that suit.”

He was smirking now, hanging the gray suit back in the closet. “The black one, huh? This one?” He pulled the offender out so he could examine it, make sure it was reasonably clean, and she made her way over and gently adjusted the sleeve, then tugged at the base of the jacket and smiled. He couldn’t help but smile in response to her. “You really love this suit, don’t you?” he asked, amused.

“I do,” she reiterated with a soft smile. “It’s the one you wore on our first date together. Remember that? How awkward it felt, initially?”

He did. He could still hear the stilted conversation, the worry over who would pay for what, the desire to impress weighing heavy on his chest. And how very pretty he thought she was. As though he’d never really looked at her thoroughly before that night; then there she was, taking his breath away like she’d done every day since.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he teased. “I was in my element.”

She pinched his waist and they both laughed, then he picked up the black suit. “I wish I could send it to the cleaner’s before next week, but it’ll be okay, I guess, if you approve it.”

Still gazing at him, she leaned forward and breathed in quietly. “Hmm...I think it’s fine,” she told him.

Keeping his eyes on her, he nodded. “I agree.”

She reached up and grasped his bicep in her hand. “You’re going to be stunning in it.”

He smiled. “I only hope I can keep up with my wife.”

***

“I appreciate you trusting me to take the lead on this,” Rafael told her quietly as they waited for Jesse to finish brushing her teeth that night. “It means a lot to me.”

Amanda squeezed his hand. “I thought it might. I’ll just hang out for moral support.” She winked at him just as Jesse ran into their bedroom and took a giant leap onto the bed.

“Ta-Da! Didja see me, Unca Wafi? I did a giant weap, didn’t I?” She giggled at herself, clearly delighted, and he nervously chuckled.

“You certainly did! But guess what? I have a surprise to tell you about! Do you want to hear it?”

Rafael wondered if he sounded as dorky as he thought he did. He’d practiced this whole spiel in the mirror and everything, and this wasn’t even how he had planned to start. But the kid was already nodding, so…

“Well,” he began, sitting next to her on the bed, “on Monday, your momma and I are going to go to a place called City Hall and we’re going to get married. And after that, you don’t have to call me Uncle Rafi anymore. There’s a special name for you to call me, if you want--”

“You’re gonna marry my momma?” she asked, looking confused. “Are you gonna marry me an’ Billie too?”

“Uh, no...the law says I can only marry one woman at a time, and she has to be a grownup,” he fumbled, horrified at the words as he heard them. He refused to look at Amanda for fear of her wincing. Instead, he plundered on. “Actually, it’s even better than that, Jess. Momma and I are going to be married, and that means I’m going to be what they call a stepdad. I’m going to be YOUR stepdad! And Billie’s too! Isn’t that cool?”

The little girl’s brow furrowed in confusion for another moment, before she broke out in a huge grin. “You’re gonna be my DADDY?” she asked excitedly, jumping up from the bed and hopping over to her mother. “Momma! Didja hear that? Wafi-Taffy’s gonna be my DADDY!”

He was fucking this up royally. What ever made him think he could do this? Now the kid was completely confused and Amanda was probably ready to murder him--

“I did hear that, lovey,” she replied sweetly. “Rafi is going to be a special kind of daddy to you called a stepdaddy! You’re going to have two daddies now--your daddy Declan and your new stepdaddy, Rafael!” 

“Yeah!” Jesse squealed. “Two daddies! Daddy Deckin and Daddy Wafi--”

“And if you’d like to,” Rafael recovered quickly, “there’s a special dad name you can call me. It’s Papi. Nobody else in the whole world gets to call me Papi, just you and Billie. Would you like that?”

Jesse clapped her hands to her cheeks and her mouth formed a giant O. “Oh. My. Gravy. My very own special name too?”

“Yes ma’am,” he told her, smiling broadly at her joy. “Only you and Billie get to call me Papi.”

“Tan I, Momma? I wanna tall him Papi! Papi pop-torn!” She was on her toes, bouncing, and Amanda chuckled and told her yes.

“Papi Pop-torn! I wove your new name! I wove my new daddy!” She threw her arms around him, and seeing her delight, he picked her up and swung her in circles. She laughed louder and louder, growing nearer to hysterics, until she began gasping.

“Hey Jess...take a breath, honey...I think you’ve gotten a little too excited. Can you do that? Because I have one more thing to tell you.”

She tried to catch her breath raggedly. “Oh...oh...oh-tay, Pah-pi pop-torn! Oh-tay,” she tried again, and on the second time she was much more successful.

Rafael sat down again and pulled her onto his lap. “On Monday, when we get married, I’m going to give your mommy a ring. It’s going to be hers forever to remind her that I promise to love and honor her for the rest of our lives. But on Monday, when I marry Momma, I’ll also be your new stepdad. And I want you to have something special, too, so you can remember that I promise to love and honor you too, for the rest of our lives.” He opened a slim case and pulled out a delicate necklace with a small diamond pendant. “This is a very special necklace, Jesse. I’m giving one to you, and one to Billie. See this diamond? See how pretty it is? It’s beautiful, but not as beautiful as you. When you see it, I want you to remember that I think you’re more beautiful than this diamond, and that I have promised to love and honor you forever. Can you do that?”

The little girl’s eyes were very large and her face had grown solemn. “That’s a wot to wemember, Papi Pop-torn, but I’m gonna try weally, weally hard.”

“I love it when you try,” he told her. “Would you like to wear it for a little while, until you go to bed?” She nodded, and he carefully fastened it around her neck. Adjusting it in the front, he smiled, then hugged her. “I love you, Jesse.”

“Wove you too, Wafi...I mean Papi pop-torn.” 

“You obviously never dated anyone with kids before me, did you?” Amanda asked him as they watched Jesse skip happily down the hall.

“Nope,” he replied, thinking how close he felt to breaking down and crying. “Why?”

“Oh I knew you hadn’t,” she answered confidently. “If you had, you’d have been married a long time ago.”

He glanced up at her and let out a long held breath. 

He’d just become a dad.


	8. June 1, 2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their hands separated, and Rafael gently reached to cup his new wife's face in his hands. Her hands eagerly cupped his face as well, and he leaned forward and brushed his lips gently across hers once, twice, before slipping in his tongue and tasting her.
> 
> “Save something for tonight, man!” Fin called, and feeling Amanda’s body shaking with laughter, he pulled back, a wide grin on his face.
> 
> ^^^^^
> 
> Rafael and Amanda get married.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> A bit of a surprise in this chapter; Rafael gets a visitor before the wedding. l am so not sorry!
> 
> Also, l just have to share this...Papi Poptorn is a family story...when my kids first came to live with us, we talked with them about what they'd like to call my parents. My son was about three at the time, and we suggested "Pop" for my dad. He immediately said, "Yeah! Poptorn!" because he couldn't say popcorn. Of course it stuck. So Mimi and Poptorn it was!
> 
> Comments and kudos are always welcome and so appreciated!

**_June 1, 2020_ **

“So l’ll meet you at City Hall around one, right?” Amanda asked, pecking Rafael on the lips. 

“Sounds about right. I'll bring the rings. Is Liv giving you the rest of the day?”

He’d been thrilled when Olivia had texted Amanda the night before, telling her to bring the girls over on Monday morning, and to pack an overnight bag for them. Apparently, Lucy was going to watch them until Olivia got home, and then she’d keep them overnight so that Amanda and Rafael could have some semblance of a wedding night. Of course, they’d invited the squad to attend the brief ceremony at City Hall, but they hadn’t expected such a fantastic gift in return.

“She is. So come one this afternoon, l’m all yours, hot stuff.” She smirked and ran her fingers through his hair, just as they both heard the echo at her knee.

“Hot tuff!” Billie grabbed onto Amanda’s leg and giggled. “Hot tuff! Hot tuff!”

Amanda scooped up the toddler and laughed. “That’s right! Tell that new papi of yours he’s some hot stuff!”

Rafael’s cheeks blushed and he couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re ridiculous,” he told Amanda, then leaned over and kissed her by the ear. “Absolutely ridiculous and l’m madly in love with you.”

“Hot Tuff!” Billie giggled again, and they all laughed.

“Come on, Jess! We gotta go! Don’t you want to see Noah?” At that, Jesse appeared in the den. She had on her fancy princess shoes, a leopard-print play skrt, and a t-shirt somebody had given her that said, “Virginia is for lovers” insde of a heart. Her pink sunglasses were on and she’d perched her tiara on top of her head, and Rafael and Amanda looked at one another, speechless.

“I'm weady to get married! Wet’s go, guys!” she announced, starting to head toward the door.

“Wait a minute, miss,” Amanda stopped her. “Jesse, remember, you’re not getting married. I'm getting married, remember? Surely you haven’t forgotten one woman at a time and she has to be over eighteen. I know l haven’t.”

“You had to remember that part, didn't you?” Rafael muttered, clapping a hand to his forehead.

“Well, it was pretty unforgettable,” she teased, then turned back to her daughter. “You’re going to play with Noah today, and spend the night with him and Aunt Livvy. And Rafi and l will get you tomorrow.”

“You mean Papi Poptorn,” she corrected her mother.

“Yes,” Amanda replied patiently. “Of course, l mean that.”

“But Momma, l thinked me an’ Billie are ‘sposed to watch you, wight? Aren’t you gonna wook wike a princess? All wadies wook wike a princess when they get married.”

“Not this time, honey. Rafi and l are not having a fancy wedding. It's gonna be boring. We will stand in front of a judge who will read some words, and then we’ll make some promises, and that’s it.”

Jesse looked at her skeptically. “You’re not gonna have a fancy dress?”

“Nope.”

“Are you gonna have a party wif food and stuff?”

“Uh-uh.”

Jesse appeared to be weighing her options before finally announcing, “Otay. l’ll go to Aunt Wivvy’s. But if you have one of those big takes, l’m gonna be mad at you.”

“Trust us, honey...there’s no cake planned,” Rafael told her, adjusting her tiara.

“Otay...wet me get my purse.” She ran back to her room as Amanda hauled the duffel bag onto her shoulder, then scooped up Billie.

“Be good,” Rafael told them both, kissing Amanda on the cheek, then Billie. He grabbed the door for them, and Jesse came running from the back.

“Bye Papi Poptorn! See you tomorrow! Have a good married time!” she called, following her mother out.

“Bye-bye!” Billie called, waving at him. “Hot Tuff! Bye-bye!”

For not the first time, he couldn’t believe this was his life. Chuckling, he closed the door.

^^^

He was naked, in front of the full length mirror, checking himself out to make sure he hadn’t forgotten anything he’d meant to do. No, everything looked okay. He took his time finishing his routine, making sure everything was dried and trimmed and smelled good. He’d carefully applied extra deodorant, then his favorite cologne, including a spritz on his man parts. He didn't do that often, but he hoped she’d find it appealing. Then he slipped into his favorite black boxer-briefs, a pair that was made of microfiber with an amazing fit. He swore by that underwear. It made his cock look bigger and fit his ass like a glove. Moreover, Amanda loved them and had even requested he wear them at other times. They were a little longer than what he normally wore, but they hugged his thighs beautifully (her words), and who was he to argue?

Carefully, he donned a new undershirt, then began to put on his dress shirt and the slacks to his black suit. He was pulling them up when he heard the knock at the door.

_ Who in the hell? _ he thought, quickly fastening and zipping up the slacks, before heading to the door. He peered out the peephole, and couldn’t believe who he saw.

Unlocking the door, he opened it, unsure of what to say. “Sonny,” he greeted, allowing the man to enter before closing the door again. “Uh, Amanda isn't here.”

“Yeah, l know,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I actually came to see you.”

Surprised, Rafael responded, “Oh.” He motioned toward the couch, and Sonny moved over and took a seat. Rafael settled in the chair nearby.

“l wanted to stop by and wish you the best...Amanda told me that you guys are gettn’ married today. l know things have been awkward between us, and that’s my fault, Rafael...the way l ended things with you.” He shook his head. “I'm sorry about it. All l can say is where l was at the time, in my personal growth or whatever, l couldn’t be the kind of partner you wanted and deserved. Hell, l couldn’t even admit l was bi to my family. None of that was your fault--”

“Oh, l know that wasn’t my fault,” Rafael interrupted defensively, arms crossed over his chest.

“Will you just let me finish apologizing to you? I’m trying here...I really am!” Seeing Sonny’s frustration, Rafael exhaled heavily, uncrossed his arms, and nodded. “Okay...we both know it wasn’t your fault. But I’m not a complete moron. I know I hurt you, Rafael...and I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry for that.” Sonny paused for a moment, staring at his hands. “You know, I hit on Amanda a few weeks after I ended it with you, and it was a disaster. I did it in an effort to prove l was some kind of really attractive guy to women, to prove to myself that l was supposed to be with women...well, l’ve learned a bit about myself since then. I lost a potentially great thing with you, and l guess l just wanted to say that l know that now, and l’m sorry for it. I’ll regret it for a long time. I'm happy for you that you’ve found someone you’re happy with, and l know Amanda well enough to know she’s truly in love with you, Rafael. You seem to make her very happy, and l hope she makes you happy as well. Because if she ever doesn’t, well..” He chuckled softly. “You know where l live.”

“Oh, Sonny,” Rafael sighed, “you’ve got to know l only wish the best for you, gong forward. Are you coming to the wedding? I certainly understand if you don’t want to.”

“Actually,” Sonny sad, lapsing into a grin, “l’d thought l would volunteer to keep the girls for a few days, here, if you two wanted a break. I know hotels are closed, but there’s still your condo, right?”

“That would be amazing,” Rafael replied. “Are you sure? Did you mention it to Amanda?”

“I did. She thought it was a great idea, but wanted me to pitch it to you. She said something about you all coming by after the ceremony to pack a bag. The girls are with Liv tonight?”

“Yeah, we were going to come back here, so we didn't have to pawn Franne off on anyone.” Hearing her name, the dog thumped her tail and looked at both men from her spot on the floor.

“Okay, well l’ll be in touch, and l’ll see you at the ceremony in a bit.” He stood and made his way to the door. “Good luck, Rafael.”

^^^

“Rafael.” Olivia called his name as she and Kat approached Judge Catano’s chambers. She looked particularly nice this Monday, wearing a black suit with a red blouse underneath. She was smiling, and he grinned back at her. “How are you doing? You ready for this?” She adjusted his lapels.

“I'm good. Great. Absolutely ready for this. Been waiting for fifty years for this, right?” he laughed nervously, and she patted his chest.

“You’re going to be okay, Rafa. l think people should be appropriately nervous,” Olivia told him, and Kat nodded. “Amanda was puking in the bathroom half of the morning,” the younger detective added, “so the two of you are good.” She suddenly raised an eyebrow. “You’re not puking, are you? No stomach bugs?”

“No, l’m not puking,” he reassured them. He also hadn’t eaten at all today, so there wasn’t a lot to puke up. “Oh, here...take my phone...you’re still going to record this for my mom, right?”

“Absolutely,” Liv said, playing with his phone. He helped her get it set to video, and when he looked up, Fin, Carisi, and Amanda were walking toward them. “Ah, there they are!” Liv exclaimed, but Rafael didn't move. His eyes were settled on his bride.

Her hair was down and wavy, one of his favorite looks on her. Her makeup was light, except for her mascara and her lipstick, a deep, beautiful wine shade that he found himself wanting to kiss right off of her. She was wearing a long, champagne-colored maxi dress with a beautiful lace overlay and heels that put them at eye level. It took a minute for him to catch his breath, and he reached into his pocket as he approached her. “My mother wanted you to have this...something old and blue...but she said not to worry if you'd rather not wear it.” lt was a small turquoise locket on a gold chain, and he’d taken the care to replace the picture inside (of him as a baby) to one of the girls.

Amanda examined it lovingly, then opened it and smiled. “They’ll be with us after all. Put it on?” 

“They’ll be thrilled to know they were here,” he teased, fastening it around her neck, then kissing her cheek just as Judge Catano opened her door.

“Hello all,” she greeted. “I know we’re all in a hurry, so please, come in.”

The group shuffled in quickly, taking their appropriate places as the judge directed. Amanda and Rafael stood in the middle, with Fin next to Amanda and Olivia next to Rafael to serve as witnesses. Sonny stood to the side to capture photos, and Kat joined him.

“All right, folks,” the judge began. “Dearly beloved, we are here today to witness the marital union of Rafael Barba and Amanda Rollns. Are there any reasons these two should not be wed?” There was an awkward silence, and then Judge Catano nodded. “Well, okay then. Rafael and Amanda each have written their own marriage vows. Rafael, you may take Amanda’s hand in yours and begin.” 

He reached over and gently took her hand in his, and with his free hand pulled out a small notecard from his breast pocket. She was smiling at him, and he suddenly felt her squeeze his hand, providing the gentle comfort that he’d come to associate with her. And he knew in the depth of his soul that he was exactly where he was supposed to be.

He cleared his throat. “Amanda, they say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but apparently you can teach a crotchety old attorney how to be a better man--”he was interrupted with soft chuckling--”because you did. You are my best friend, my partner in crime, my source of endless amusement, my teacher, and mostly, my one true love. It's difficult to put into words the emotions l feel about you and the girls. I've never experienced a love so beautiful, nor one that makes my chest ache when l think of it fully.” His eyes were clouded with tears, and he suddenly felt her hand reach over and gently wipe one away. “You deserve a lifetime of love and happiness, and it is now my life's mission to love, laugh, and comfort you every day. I promise as your husband to give my whole self, to love you fully, and to never take one moment of our life together for granted. Te amo, Mandy, mi amor. Siempre.” Finished, he looked at her, hopeful that she’d appreciated his vow, and he could see tears streaming down her face. It took all of his inner strength not to lean over and kiss her at that moment; instead he squeezed her hand, then tucked his notecard back in his pocket as Fin handed her a small piece of paper.

“Rafael, you are honestly the most incredible man l have ever known. When you showed up at my house a couple years ago with a present for Billie, l thought how sweet and quirky you were, and that maybe there was more packed into that three piece suit than I'd realized. Lucky for us, l got called into work and had to resort to emergency efforts for a babysitter. Today l get to marry that babysitting man and call him my own, and l have never been more proud or more humbled by a position. My only wish is to make you proud to be my husband, and to hear you call me your wife. I vow today to be a kind partner, a compassionate partner, one who supports your goals and dreams and who holds your hand as we trip through this adventure we call life. I promise my whole heart to you today, and am so honored that you are trusting me with yours.”

They both were crying, and Liv took a moment to hand each of them a tissue. “Really went all out for the emotonal torture today, huh?” Judge Catano said, and everyone chuckled. “When you’re ready, we’ll proceed with the rings. Rafael?”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the band they’d selected to go with his grandmother’s engagement ring. “Rafael, please slide the ring on Amanda’s left ring finger and repeat after me: l, Rafael Eduardo, take you, Amanda Jolene, to be my lawfully wedded wife. May this ring serve as a reminder to be only who you are, and I will love and cherish you from this life into the next.”

Carefully, Rafael slid the ring onto Amanda’s finger, repeating the Judge’s words, 

“Amanda, your turn,” Judge Catano said next, and Fin handed Amanda the band for Rafael. “Did you know she has a personal assistant?” Judge Catano joked, and they all laughed again. The laughter helped to cut the tension, and Amanda easily slid the ring onto Rafael’s finger. “Here we go. I, Amanda Jolene, take you, Rafael Eduardo, to be my lawfully wedded husband. May this ring serve as a reminder to be only who you are, and I will love and cherish you from this life into the next.”

“You can hold hands,” Judge Catano told them, and they did, tightly. “By the power vested in me, by the state of New York, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may seal your vows with a kiss.”

Their hands separated, and Rafael gently reached to cup his new wife's face in his hands. Her hands eagerly cupped his face as well, and he leaned forward and brushed his lips gently across hers once, twice, before slipping in his tongue and tasting her.

“Save something for tonight, man!” Fin called, and feeling Amanda’s body shaking with laughter, he pulled back, a wide grin on his face.

Turning them to face their friends, Judge Catano introduced them. “For the first time, Mister and Missus Rafael and Amanda Barba-Rollins.”


	9. June 1st, post-wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, what usually happens after a wedding? :-D
> 
> Rated NC-17. Okay, probably not safe for anyone over 60, either. 
> 
> Just read at your own risk, okay? These two are...very happy to be married.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading. As always, comments and kudos are really, really appreciated and help motivate this writer. 
> 
> They're married and they're alone for three nights (actually four) and they are beyond thrilled about it. Pandemic does things to people. I don't know what happened here. But they do really love each other. In case you missed that part.
> 
> Okay, I need to go write something else now. Or soak my brain in bleach.

**_June 1, 2020, post-wedding_ **

“Wait just a minute,” he told her, then scooped her up into his arms. She laughed delightedly, surprised at his strength.

“Rafael! I can’t believe you did that!” she squealed as he nudged the door to his condo the rest of the way open, then carried her across the threshold. 

“Welcome home, Mrs. Barba-Rollins,” he said, swinging her around before lowering her feet to the ground. “Or home post-pandemic, anyway.”

“This is amazing,” she sighed, leaning in to kiss him again. “I am so happy.”

He grinned. “Happy wife, happy life,” he quipped, then embraced her tightly. “I love you so much, mi esposa.”

They stood together, rocking back and forth in one another’s embrace for several minutes. It was blissfully peaceful, only the ticking of his clock on the mantle making noise. He couldn’t remember a time that he felt so wonderfully happy, so complete. “You know, it’s been a couple months since this place has really been cleaned,” he finally said, breaking the reverie. “We probably need to change the sheets on the bed before we consummate anything. Romantic, l know…”

She pressed her lips against his in a quick kiss. “We have three nights here by ourselves. I will change whatever you want me to with no complaint.”

He chuckled, then let go of her hands to head into the kitchen. With one glance at his kitchen table, he stopped.

There was a vase of red roses on the table, with a card.

He pulled the card out of its envelope. The front read “Best Wishes'', and he opened it, immediately recognizing his mother’s handwriting. “Mami,” he murmured, smiling to himself.

_ My darling Mijo, _

_ Although I cannot be with you and your beautiful bride today, I hope you know I am always with you in spirit and love. I heard you may be spending some of your honeymoon here and was able to organize a little help to spruce things up for you and Amanda. I promise, I did not leave my apartment! I have no desire to go back to the hospital. _

_ Your apartment should be clean and stocked with several meals in the fridge and the freezer. Some of your favorites are there, and there is a recipe booklet on the counter that I’ve left for your new wife, should she be interested. You will be receiving a bakery delivery this evening as well. To be honest, I did not coordinate this. You have some wonderful friends who love you, Rafael. They worked hard to make this happen, and asked for my assistance here, so I provided it. _

_ Rafi, I love you and cannot wait for the day to welcome my sweet granddaughters for dinner. I wish you and Amanda a marriage full of love and happiness. Siempre te amare hasta la luna y mas alla, mi dulce, dulce hijo. (I will always love you to the moon and back, my sweet, sweet son.) _

_ Much love, _

_ Mami _

Feeling love from his head to his toes, he handed the card to Amanda, then opened the refrigerator to see what goodies he could find. Sure enough, his mother had guaranteed it was packed with some of his favorites. He could see ready to eat sandwiches as well as meal kits; plenty of waters, juices, and sodas; and a variety of prepped fruits and veggies. “You hungry, baby?” he asked. “Wanna eat?”

“Sure,” she told him, squeezing his ass. “I could use some energy for the workout I’m gonna put you through.” She reached around him and grabbed a container of yogurt, then winked at him. “I’d eat for stamina, if I were you.”

“Oh really?” he replied, smirking as he picked out a sandwich and a bottle of cold brew. “I’m pretty sure I can match you, little girl.” Sitting the coffee and sandwich on the table, he pulled off his suit jacket and hung it on the back of the chair. She watched as the tie came off next, then the cufflinks, and finally the dress shirt. Slowly, he unbuckled his belt as she took another bite of yogurt, eyes focused on him alone. “Like what you see, ninita?”

She hummed. “I married it, didn’t I?” she replied, and he laughed, unfastening his slacks. He toed off his shoes, then stepped out of the pants. Folding them up, he lay them on top of his other clothing.

“You gonna eat or what?” she asked, eyeing him, and he pulled out an empty chair and sat down in only his undershirt and boxer-briefs.

“Of course!” he said, unwrapping the sandwich. “I just didn’t want to get my suit dirty.”

“Hmm.” She set her yogurt down. “Good point.” She reached behind her and unzipped the zipper of her dress, then carefully eased it off her shoulders and down her body.

He was staring at her, mid-bite, as she stepped out of the gown and gently laid it on top of his clothing. She was wearing a sheer push-up bra with delicate lace embroidery covering her nipples, and a lace thong. There was a diamond stud in her navel, and he caught a glimpse of something on her hip.

“Fuck,” he breathed, and she turned around to open the refrigerator, giving him a sinful view.

“Ah, I forgot to get a drink to go with that yogurt...what’s in here…” She opened the door and bent at the waist, her ass within reach. “Oh! Here it is…” She grabbed a bottle of juice and stood back up, closing the door and turning around. 

He was still staring at her, sandwich on the table now. She opened the bottle and took a long drink, allowing him to take his time drinking her in. At last, she screwed the lid back on.

“You’re so beautiful it blows my mind,” he said worshipfully, meeting her eyes. He stretched one arm out for her, and she stepped up to him. He saw now the mark on her hip was a new tattoo. A lavender heart with her new initials and the date.

“Do you like it?” she asked him, looking pleased. “The day I became Mrs. Barba-Rollins.”

“I love it,” he murmured, touching it with his fingertips, then pressing his lips against it. A second later, he reached across the table, shoving his sandwich out of the way, then picked her up and sat her in front of him. “I love you, Amanda.”

“I love you too, Rafael,” she murmured, leaning forward to kiss him. 

He cupped her face in his hands, then leaned her back onto the table. His palms lay flat over her flushed skin, and he ran them over her breasts, her ribs, her stomach, her abdomen. They made their way to the fronts of her thighs, then along the insides of her thighs, the backs, and around the outsides again. Leaning forward, he sucked a beautiful mark onto her thigh. “Lift,” he murmured, and resting her feet on his thighs, she lifted her hips and he eased her thong down and off. “There we are,” he sighed as his fingers stroked over the soft hair at her apex. “Just too pretty to be covered up.”

“Mmm,” she hummed as his fingers teased her. “You think I’m pretty?” she asked, clearly enjoying this game.

“Gorgeous,” he affirmed, then slowly ran his tongue up her slit. “Delicious, too.”

She giggled. “Are you gonna eat your lunch, Papi, or no? Such a tease.”

He chuckled at that. “Lunch? Oh sweetheart, this is dessert.” He kissed each thigh, then used his thumbs to part her as his tongue circled her clit firmly over and over again.

“Oh God,” she moaned, “Oh Jesus...Rafa, please...oh yes.”

He settled in, focusing on the touches he gave her and the sounds he got in response. He nudged her clit with his nose as he tongue-fucked her, then circled her clit with his tongue as he slipped in one, then two fingers. She was growing increasingly wet and restless, and he knew she was close. He glanced up at her face, and she was lost in her pleasure. Mouth open, eyes closed, and one hand tangled in his hair, her hips moved in rhythm with his tongue, and for once, he didn’t seek to tease her further. 

He felt her trying to press harder against his face, and he licked her as firmly as he could. Her hand gripped his hair, and she suddenly gasped, “Don’t stop...please don’t stop...don’t stop don’t stop don’t stop--”

And he didn’t. He continued stimulating her rhythmically, working her through her orgasm, listening to the soft cries and gasps. He took great satisfaction in hearing her pleasure, and his cock was swollen hard from arousal. At last,her hand slid between her body and his face, and she whispered, “No more…” He stopped then, realizing he was pushing her into painful overstimulation, something he wanted to avoid.

Leaning over, he kissed her thigh. His dick felt like it was about to explode, and for a brief second he considered climbing onto the table with her, until he realized that would be the consummation of their marriage, and no way was that going to be on his kitchen table. She had sat up, still resting her feet on his thighs. Slipping down from the table, she settled into his lap and stroked his hair. “You need some attention, don’t you?” she murmured sexily, slipping a hand between them.

“I’m so close,” he admitted as she fondled him, and a groan caught in his throat. Her fist was tight and fast, and she leaned over and kissed him deeply. A moment later, he grunted and his ejaculate spurted between them, coating her hand and part of both of their stomachs. “‘Manda.” It was a soft moan, but it brought a smile to her face as she leaned over and kissed him.

She rested her head against his as they caught their breath, each of them randomly spreading his cum, kissing the other, tasting his spend. After several quiet minutes, she kissed him again and asked, “Wanna go make love in that big, comfy bed of yours?”

He kissed her back. “Absolutely, sweetheart.” He stood and followed her into the bedroom, and before she could speak, he kissed her deeply again. “I can’t wait to be inside you, Mandy,” he murmured into her ear, and he felt the goosebumps rise on her arms. Smiling seductively, she slid his boxers down and tossed them aside, then placed a delicate kiss on the tip of his cock. He combed her hair back with his fingers, smiling down at her, and she took him into her mouth.

“Mandy, Mandy…” he whispered, watching her. “Mi hermosa esposa. Te amo, Amanda.” Her eyelashes fluttered as she looked up at him, and her hand gently slid up and down over his ass. “Come here, sweetheart...I want to be inside of you.” 

She stood up and let his hands wander freely over her body before carefully unfastening the front hook of her bra. “This thing is exquisite,” he told her, sliding it off.

“I’m glad you approve,” she teased. “It’s the reason my phone bill was late, nosy.”

They both laughed quietly, remembering the day he’d found her bill and she’d snapped at him about it. He ran his fingers through her hair then and kissed her again. When he finally pulled back, breathless once more, he said, “I love you so much, Amanda. You make me so happy.”

At that, she climbed back onto the bed, motioning for him to follow, and he did, crawling over her on all fours until they were both giggling and nipping each other on the neck, chest, shoulders, ears. “I love you,” she told him again, and he grinned as though it were the first time he’d ever heard the words. She slid her hands down to his cheeks, squeezing and massaging. “Put yourself in your new wife,” she teased. “She’s waiting.”

“Yeah? Ready?” he asked, and suddenly he realized exactly what he was asking...to enter his wife for the first time, a symbol of the love and respect, the intimacy and passion he felt for her. She’d nodded and grinned, but his face must have worn the reflection of a man who took this act seriously, because her grin disappeared and was replaced with something more serene.

“I’m ready, Rafael, and I need you, honey...today and every day…” Her arms were wrapped around him as he pushed inside of her once, pulled back slightly, then fully entered her. He kissed the side of her face slowly as he listened to her soft whine, adjusting to his girth, before she rolled her hips and kissed him back.

She tasted as delicious as she felt, and he wanted to remember this moment forever. He’d never imagined he would marry anyone, much less a beautiful young blonde from Loganville, Georgia. He’d never imagined he could be loved this much by anyone, nor that he could love this much in return. She knew his good, his bad, and his ugly, and yet she’d married him today, proudly agreeing to be his wife, and he wanted to treat her like the angel she was for the rest of her life. She was already gasping, whining, meeting his hips with her own. He suckled her nipple one more time, then released it with a pop. “Manda...you want to be on top?”

Her eyes were wide, and her chest was heaving as she nodded. “Yes, please,” she gasped, and he clutched her tightly, then rolled them over. She cried out for a moment, then laughed. Adjusting herself on top of him, she leaned forward and caressed his face. “You make me feel better than anyone ever has, Rafael...I adore you.” 

He was preening at her when she leaned down and kissed him, gently rocking back and forth on his cock. His hands settled on her hips, and a minute later she reached above him to hold onto the headboard. Seeing her stretched above him, he reached up with one hand to stroke and tug a nipple, listening to her cry out as he tugged. “Good?” he asked, gasping himself. “Tell me how to make it better...want it to be perfect for you, Mandy...just perfect for you…”

The sweat from her body dripped down onto his, and she looked needy, desperate. He let go of her nipple and moved his thumb to her clit, beginning to rub in the same rhythm as their movements. “Rafa,” she gasped, “oh Rafa...oh God...please…”

He felt her clench around him, and he forced his eyes open to watch her face. “So beautiful,” he gasped, clutching her hips and fucking up into her as she climaxed. “My wife is so beautiful when she comes...Amanda...oh God, baby…” She was arched on top of him, hands on his pecs, when his own orgasm claimed him and he gave in to the pleasure, crying out her name.

When he opened his eyes again, she had collapsed on top of him, pressing tiny kisses onto his clavicle and whispering, “I love you, Rafi...I love you.”

*****

“Dat take wooks pretty good!” Jesse noted as she chatted with them that night on FaceTime.

“It is very good,” Amanda told her. “Our friends sent it to us to say Congratulations, since we got married. Wasn’t that nice?”

“Uh huh! It’s also nice when you share, Momma. Wight, Wafi Taffy? I mean Papi Poptorn? Sharin’ is good!” Jesse licked her lips, staring at the cake, then sighed.

“Sharing is very good,” Rafael agreed, “and Momma and I, we’re going to bring some cake to you and Billie when we come back. How does that sound?”

“So good!” the little girl exclaimed, clapping her hands. “When are you gonna tome back?”

“On Friday,” Amanda told her. “Uncle Sonny is going to pick you up in the morning and take you home. He’s going to stay with you, remember?”

Jesse grew quiet for a moment. “But what if I get stared, or what if I miss you or Wafi, Momma?”

“Then you can draw us a picture, or think of what you want to say and put it in your heart. That way it’ll be there when we get back in a few days, okay?” Amanda smiled at the little girl, who seemed to be thinking it over. 

Jesse nodded. “Otay.”

Amanda smiled warmly again. “Kisses? Big kisses because I’ll miss my big girl!” The two blew kisses at each other through the screen. “And give Billie kisses from me when she wakes up, okay Jess?”

“Uh-huh! Tan I have Papi Poptorn tisses too?”

“Of course you can,” Amanda said, passing the phone to Rafael, who blew kisses at his new stepdaughter.

“I love you, Jesse,” he told her, blowing a final kiss. “Have good sleeps, okay?”

“Tay. I wove you too, Daddy. ‘Night!” 

The screen went dark before either of them had a chance to respond, but Rafael could feel his heart in his throat. “I’d gladly be her father,” he said before he could censure himself. He thought about how two years ago he’d rather have cut his lips off than blow kisses to a kid through a phone. Never mind run the risk of a nickname like Papi Poptorn getting out. 

Amanda slid into his lap, putting his cake plate on the end table. “You already are her father, Rafael,” she said. “And she’s a very lucky girl.”


End file.
